Finding Joy in the Journey

Trust the Process

2011-10-10T18:26:00.000-07:00

As I shared earlier, I have returned to acupuncture. Yes...willingly. I noticed that I needed to start treatments again because my body has been telling me so in more ways than one. So, I decided to listen and take care of myself.

This afternoon was my second appointment and so needed. I am sure that every time Deanna, my acupuncturist, talks with me at the beginning of the appointment to check-in about physical and emotional symptoms since my previous appointment, she braces herself for A LOT of talking. A LOT of information. Symptoms? I have plenty? Self-analysis? Oh...I've done plenty of that. Research online? Oops. A little too much research and self-diagnosis (don't even ask what I have).

Maybe that is why Deanna inserts a needle into the middle of my eyebrows (sorry if I just freaked anybody out, but that is the main "point" of acupuncture). [I know...pretty lame pun but I couldn't resist]. She once told me that this is a point that helps with calming an anxious (overly talkative) mind. Kind of a like those darts scientists use when trying to put the animal to sleep or relax it. There might be a connection.

So...as soon as I stopped talking and started listening, this is what I heard:

Trust the process. Focus on the positives rather than all the things that are "wrong". Give it time...it took awhile to get here and it's going to take some time for healing.

"You mean I shouldn't have scheduled all those (additional) doctor appointments (with my primary, my eye doctor, etc.)?"

Well...I just think you need to trust this process. It's only your second treatment. Relax and give it time. Try not to be anxious.

Wow. She sure gives some good advice. I seem to be hearing this message all around me. I struggle so much with seeking to control something...ANYTHING. Rather than simply BEING STILL. Waiting. Trusting the process. Listening. Accepting calmness instead of allowing the frantic pace of life to sweep me up into a flurry of anxiety. Focusing on the positive and all the ways I am blessed in my life. Noting the "good things" rather than amplifying the negative symptoms. Easier said than done, perhaps. Yet, such a simpler, sweeter way of life to enjoy.

Trust the process.

He Has Not Forgotten

2011-10-09T21:18:00.000-07:00

We are in a place of prayer and waiting for God to reveal Himself to us in a clear, confident way. We are praying for direction and discernment; for wisdom and for our faith to be deepened. I often pray that God would use our story to bring glory and honor to Him. I am excited to see what God does in our lives and in the lives of our friends, family members, and people God brings our way. I am trying to lean into the heart of God and listen to the Holy Spirit's gentle nudges. My heart has been more open to this the past couple of days and I have noticed the little things so much more, by simply being open and responsive. For example, I was in the grocery store yesterday and an older woman began a simple conversation with me at the deli counter. A retired teacher from the Oregon School for the Deaf, she told me about her early career, her husband, and adult children (also educators). She shared how she dreamed of becoming an itinerant doctor but chose to become a teacher because it wasn't as common for women at that time to be traveling doctors. I told her about my job and my husband and his profession...our common experience as educators. Imagine...all of this while my lunch meat was being sliced! At the end of our conversation, we formally introduced ourselves, shook hands, and said "goodbye". It was the briefest of interactions, with a stranger, but it was meaningful and intentional. And I was present..."in the moment".

I realize now that I have not been very "present" lately. Instead I have been running from meeting to meeting, activity to activity. Some days I think I should literally be wearing my Nike running shoes at work.

I long to slow down my pace and be fully engaged with the world around me and the Holy Spirit within me. I yearn to be still and listen to God.

In my devotional time today, I came across these amazing words from "Streams in the Desert" by L.B. Cowman (October 9 entry):

"Above all, remember -- when God hides His face from you, do not say that He has forgotten about you. He is simply waiting for a little while to make you love Him more. And once He comes, you will rejoice with the inexpressible 'joy of the Lord' (Neh. 8:10). Waiting on Him exercises your gift of grace and tests your faith. Therefore continue to wait in hope, for although the promise may linger, it will never come too late. (Charles H. Spurgeon)"

Thank You, Lord, for remembering me, Your child. I love you as My Father and pray that You would renew our hope. I praise You that YOU HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN me. Thank You for being a Father who longs to keeps His promises to His children. I can't wait to see what You have planned, God. Come Lord Jesus, come.

Oregon Garden - Silverton

2011-10-02T21:18:00.000-07:00

Beth & Tiffany

The Oregon Garden (Silverton, Oregon)

June 2011

It Takes a Village

2011-10-01T16:08:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you have heard the expression, "It takes a village to raise a child." I have certainly seen that proverb in action during my work as a school counselor. I love the experience of helping to connect children with schools, parents, doctors, private therapists, and family friends or extended family.

I have noticed this truth in my own life lately, as well. "It takes a village" for me to feel supported, cared for, and healthy - physically, spiritually, socially, and emotionally. I rely on the expertise of my amazing hair stylist Lindsey at Salon Mecca for hair color, cut, and style. I have returned to my acupuncturist, Deanna, who asks me how I am doing physically and emotionally and provides acupuncture treatment with the use of strategically placed needles and warming lamps. Deanna also burns herbs and places them in a wooden box with a metal catchment so that it warms certain areas of my body. Before you think I am absolutely crazy because I subject myself to these barbaric-sounding treatments, I assure you that it works for me! I know it is alternative, but it provides relief from stress and helps heal my body and my emotions. Deanna has also started me on a new herbal dietary supplement to help me sleep at night and calm anxiety during the day. The herbal supplement are tiny black pills and I am supposed to take 8 pills, three times per day. Yep. 24 little pills per day. Even I think that is wack-a-doo. Yet, I am willing to try it, and trying to remember to take them with my meals.

In addition to my hair stylist and my acupuncturist, I have an appointment scheduled with a new massage therapist named Heidi. I have scheduled a 60-minute Swedish massage for mid-October and I can't wait for the day to arrive. My shoulders feel so tense and my muscles are so tight that I probably could have a 90-minute massage every week and still feel tense. I seem to carry my stress in my shoulders and upper back.

Finally, I have been researching a therapist. Being a counselor myself, I am very "pro-counseling" and have worked with therapists in the past. I think I've narrowed my search and plan to call the agency this week to schedule an appointment. I am ready to resume therapy and excited to start working on "my stuff". Let's just say I have a lot of "stuff" to process.

Throw in my medical doctor, my pedicurist, Weight Watchers' meetings, a loving husband, my church, dear friends, supportive family, and a partridge and pear tree and you have "my village".

So thankful for these people (and, the ones I pay are thankful for me and my insurance!).

They Don't Make Hallmark Cards for This

2011-09-18T20:40:00.000-07:00

We are going through some tough times on our journey. I am not ready to expand on the details, however, I can say that our faith has been challenged and strengthened simultaneously.

I am blessed by God with an amazing, incredible, and wise husband in Brian. A few nights ago, when I felt full of despair, Brian came home and said the most remarkable, unexpected thing: "We have an AMAZING story." My response was something like, "Huh? What are you talking about? Our story isn't turning out the way we prayed it would be." To which Brian replied, "But we had the courage to try."

Wow. Talk about exactly what God knew I needed to hear at that specific moment. I love Brian more than words can say. And I love my God who knows me intimately and loves me deeply, even when my faith is rocked to the core.

Brian and I have been on this journey for 8 1/2 years and married for 13. We don't know what God has planned for our lives and we don't know how he will grow our family. I trust that God will lead us, holding our hands, and pray that He will guide us toward His will.

I thank the Lord that He has given me my beloved Brian to walk alongside me and hold my hand every step of this journey. Thank God that we are still holding hands when so many things sought to tear us apart. I pray for His continued strength, grace, healing, and protection as we seek His face.

I leave you with another classic Brian quote: "They don't make Hallmark cards for this."

What Faith Means to Me

2011-09-11T20:05:00.000-07:00

Faith. Trust. Hope in the unseen. The assurance that things that are not visible will be made visible. The workings of an Incredible, All-Powerful God. Dependence on God to keep His promises to me, child of His heart.

Sometimes it can be difficult to hold onto faith, especially in the midst of the waiting, the hoping, the wondering. Prayers I cry out when I'm driving, taking a shower, early in the morning, and when my head touches the pillow in the black of night. Or the pain that lingers, veiled behind a well-intended smile.

We have been on this journey a long time.

Yet God has given me the gifts of an amazing husband, wonderful parents, beloved brothers, and dear friends to serve as encouragers on this road. These friends remind me of God's love that never ends, His promises, and God's very real, very present Presence in my life and in Creation.

The September 11 devotional today in "Streams in the Desert" by L.B. Cowman spoke so clearly to my heart, I am confident that these words were meant just for me and it was exactly what I needed to hear today:

"After waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised." Hebrews 6:15

Abraham was tested for a very long time, but he was richly rewarded. The Lord tested him by delaying the fulfilment of His promise. Satan tested him through temptation, and people tested him through their jealousy, distrust, and opposition to him. Sarah tested him through her worrisome temperament. Yet he patiently endured, not questioning God's truthfulness and power or doubting God's faithfulness and love. Instead, Abraham submitted to God's divine sovereignty and infinite wisdom. And he was silent through many delays, willing to wait for the Lord's timing. Having patiently endured, he then obtained the fulfillment of the promise.

Beloved, God's promises can never fail to be accomplished, and those who patiently wait can never be disappointed, for believing faith leads to realization. Abraham's life condemns a spirit of hastiness, admonishes those who complain, commends those who are patient, and encourages quiet submission to God's will and way.

Remember, Abraham was tested but he patiently waited, ultimately received what was promised, and was satisfied. If you will imitate his example, you will share the same blessing."

I'm Loving This Right Now...

2011-05-28T21:06:00.000-07:00

I love making lists. Yes. I. Do. Thought I'd write a list of things/people/places/foods I'm simply loving right now. Other folks do this on their blogs and even link up webpages to the products, etc. I don't think I'll be that "fancy" tonight. I'm just grateful I'm writing again. Anything. Even lists of things.

Here goes:

1) Seattle trip and girl-time with friends MB, Diane, and Wendy - Thai food, amazing conversation and laughter, Camano Island get-away, watched "Glee" for the first time, & much-needed Starbucks date with Wendy in Renton

2) Great Harvest Sourdough Bread - delicious warm with melting butter - I go back and forth between an additional dollop of Cherry preserves or a more savory approach when my sourdough accompanies scrambled eggs with Gruyere cheese and Herbes de Provence

3) Reading "Jesus Calling" daily devotional - I love the way the words are so personal that it feels like I'm having an intimate conversation with Jesus and He is speaking directly to my heart

4) Walks at Bush Park with Charley - I try to take our miniature schnauzer, Charley, for a daily walk around our neighborhood, but I have been loving the short drive to Bush Park for a change of scenery and gorgeous views of flowers in bloom

5) Participating in the Weight Watchers' "Walk-It Challenge" 5K - I haven't walked in an organized event for a long time - it felt great to be a part of something bigger than myself and stay committed to something even though I signed-up by myself. I was blessed to be able to walk with long-time friend Dave and a new friend Pam - the miles went by quickly with great conversation!

6) New friends - I have been so blessed this Spring to connect on a deeper level with Mandy and meet a new friend Becca. These beautiful ladies are gifts from God in my life - they encourage me and give me hope! Plus we are all commemorative members of the "Dr. Lee Fan Club"!

7) Deeper faith - we went to church this evening and I felt the strong pull of the Holy Spirit urging me to go forward after the church service to pray...which I did. Even though we are in a sanctuary where people pray, it is an entirely different feeling to "go against the flow". People were exiting and I was moving forward in obedience. I prayed with a gal I'd never met who asked for my name and prayed such a beautiful prayer over me, it touched my heart. Feels amazing to heed God's voice in obedience and faith.

8) Loving the close of another school year - this year has been an incredibly stressful year with budget cuts and navigating unknown changes to programs, schools, and people. I am ready to finish and finish strong!

9) Dinners with friends, Greg & Lora - whether it's a special, "first-experience-together" dinner at the Silver Grille in Silverton or pizza and salad to-go from Straight from New York and watching "The King's Speech", we are blessed to have authentic friends to "do life with".

These are just a few of my current "loves". How about you? What makes you smile?

Current Book List

2011-04-03T15:54:00.000-07:00

I currently have a stack of books to read. My friend Tiffany and I went to the public library yesterday because she had two books "on hold" and we both walked out of there with our own stacks.

Here are my book titles: 1) "Tender at the Bone: Growing Up at the Table" by Ruth Reichl 2) "Comfort Me with Apples: More Adventures at the Table" by Ruth Reichl 3) "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller 4) "Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life" by Anne Lamott 5) "Days & Hours" by Susan Meissner 6) "A Seahorse in the Thames" by Susan Meissner 7) "White Picket Fence: A Novel" by Susan Meissner 8) "Everyday Italian" by Giada de Laurentiis and 9) "Giada's Kitchen" by Giada de Laurentiis.

I have already thumbed through the cookbooks and can't wait to start cooking and baking! It will be so much fun to try new recipes and plan meals in the weeks to come. Another bonus is that I get to "test-drive" the cookbooks to see if they are ones I might want to purchase.

I am also excited to read Ruth Reichl's books about food, her life and travels. I've heard amazing things about Donald Miller's book, "Blue Like Jazz". It's being made into a movie with the same name.

"Bird by Bird" has been on my "must read list" ever since I heard Shauna Niequist (author of "Cold Tangerines" and "Bittersweet") back in September 2010 at Bex's home. Shauna suggested that Anne Lamott's book was instrumental in inspiring her creatively as a writer. I hope that this book will help inspire my writing as well.

Finally, I heard about Susan Meissner through Leeana Tankersley, author of "Found Art: Discovering Beauty if Foreign Places". I "follow" Leeana on Twitter and she mentioned Susan Meissner (whom I now also follow on Twitter). I love reading novels so I am excited to read her books.

Now I just need another vacation to actually read all of these lovely finds before they are due back at the library. Thank God for book renewals!

more thoughts on waiting

2011-03-26T12:30:00.000-07:00

I have been reading this awesome daily devotional, "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. Today's entry speaks to me in a profound way. I hope it touches your heart as well.

"Waiting on ME means directing your attention to Me in hopeful anticipation of what I will do. It entails trusting Me with every fiber of your being, instead of trying to figure things our yourself. Waiting on Me is the way I designed you to live: all day, every day. I created you to stay conscious of Me as you go about your daily duties.

I have promised many blessings to those who wait on me: renewed strength, living above one's circumstances, resurgence of hope, awareness of My continual Presence. Waiting on Me enables you to glorify Me by living in deep dependence on Me, ready to do My will. It also helps you to enjoy Me; in My Presence is fullness of Joy."

("Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young - March 26)

The author always cites applicable Bible verses after each devotional.

"I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.' The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." Lamentations 3:24-26 (NIV)

"Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay. You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." Psalm 16:5-11 (NIV)

I had never noticed this line in Psalm 16, until today...my body also will rest secure. That is very meaningful to me because, along this journey of infertility, my body has been "the reason" we haven't been able to get pregnant. My body has been diseased. Broken. I love that God promises joy and security for my emotions and my physical body. I love the fact that I can claim confidence in God alone because HE is at my right hand.

My heart has also been challenged with the phrase found in Lamentations 3, it is good to wait quietly. Uh oh. Quietly? I can't say that I've been particularly "quiet" along this challenging road. I've ranted and raved. I've cried and screamed. I've complained and feared. I've bitterly wept and lost my faith at times. I don't do "quiet" very easily or naturally. Yet, I feel convicted and called to pray that God would help me to "wait quietly".

This waiting process continues to refine me and shape my life. Not only in painful ways but in beautiful ways. In deeper, more thoughtful ways. Pain paves the way for understanding - of others, of myself, of God. The phrase that God has been bringing to my mind the past few days is, "The gift of infertility".

Gift? Lord, how can this be considered a "gift"? For this I have no reply. Only to share that, with God's grace and wisdom, I hope to begin to unwrap these words in the days, weeks, and months to come.

Waiting on God to reveal Himself in new ways, for His glory,

Beth

Dreaming of France

2011-03-22T22:50:00.001-07:00

Bonjour! I have been daydreaming of going to France forever, it seems. My initial entrez into Francais was when I was in middle school. I remember my excitement when I was able to take French as an elective class at my tiny, private Christian school. Each student was allowed to choose their very own French name. Moi? I chose the name "Christine" because my closest BFF at the time was Christina. I studied French from middle school through high school where I took "Advanced Placement French" during my senior year.

In college I decided to pick-up some more French classes simply for la joie de vivre. Pure joy. Consider these class titles: "Niveau Intermediare", "Les Arts Francais", "Topics in French Literature", "Etudes Speciales en Francais", "20th Century French Literature", "French Tutorial Practicum", and "La Lit: Moyen Age au 18e Siecle". Loved. Them. All.

Well...maybe that's not quite true. I loved learning about French art and reading French literature. It as a little more challenging for me to study about the middle ages purely en francais. Hard to believe I did an oral report completely en francais about Georges de la Tour!?! For 30 minutes!

My French professor encouraged me to add European Studies ~ French to my current minor (Youth Ministries) and I'm so glad I did. It was worth it. I digress...let's go back to my French daydreaming...

Maybe it's the fact that we are taking a "Staycation" for Spring Break this week. Or that the weather has been wet, rainy, and cold - with scattered sun breaks and rainbows. Or maybe it's because I just want it to be Summer Vacation already... Whatever the reason, my heart and my mind is on FRANCE.

I long to travel to France. I have been reading books about French food/cooking/memoirs. Books like, "The Sweet Life in Paris" by David Lebovitz and "Remembrance of Things Paris: Sixty Years of Writing from Gourmet" by Gourmet Magazine Editors/Ruth Reichl.

I love movies like "French Kiss" with Meg Ryan and "Julie & Julia". I have been googling pictures of Paris. Scenes like the infamous Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, the Seine River, Notre Dame, and L'Arc de Triomphe. Images of a Paris sidewalk cafe. Imagining Brian and I sitting outside of a Paris cafe, sipping les chocolat chauds. Yes. Please.

Right now, these are thoughts. Dreams. Ideas. Wishes. Hopes.

However, I believe, deep down, that God has been planting these French dreams in my heart for a long, long time. And, like the best kind of dreams and hopes, it is time to step forward in faith and begin to pray about "when" we will travel to France.

I'm excited to begin this process and am eager for these dreams to become a reality un jour!

merci! au revoir, mes amies!

What's New?

2011-03-12T18:26:00.000-08:00

Well, hello, blog (and friends & family). It's been a long time. Life has kept me busy but I have definitely missed writing. A lot has happened since the end of December. Christmas vacation; returning to work in January after Christmas vacation; a lovely weekend get-away to Depoe Bay at the end of January; a delicious dinner of Spanish Tapas and Sangria with dear friends Greg & Lora; a 2-hour delay "snow day" in February; joined a small Cooking Club with girlfriends from work; reading lots of new books; deactivated Facebook three times (most recently this past Wednesday -- inspired by Lora initially and by Lent the 3rd time); attended Weight Watchers' meetings (have lost 15.2 pounds since November); throw-in a lengthy cold/flu for both Brian and I; school budget worries ("will we have jobs?"); and a partridge-in-a-pear-tree, and there you have it. My life.

I have been so busy that I haven't stopped to reflect and write. I've been in survival mode, I guess. Time to slow down. To simplify. To be present. To reflect. To write. To think. To dream.

I have read several excellent books since January and would love to share the titles with you.

1. "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young (daily devotional - I love the way she writes...it feels like God is speaking directly to you personally)

2. "Found Art: Discovering Beauty in Foreign Places" by Leeana Tankersley

3. "Trail of Crumbs: Hunger, Love, and the Search for Home" by Kim Sunee

4. "A Homemade Life: Stories and Recipes from My Kitchen Table" by Molly Wizenberg

5. "Lost & Found" by Jacqueline Sheehan

6. "Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith" by Anne Lamott (I'm not quite done with it but am loving her real, raw, messy, honest faith journey...)

7. "Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way" by Shauna Niequist

8. "Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life" by Shauna Niequist

Books Waiting to Be Read:

1. "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" by Brene Brown

2. "Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillow

I love to read. These authors inspire, challenge, and encourage me. I love the variety of books...novels, memoirs, books about the Christian faith, books about cooking/food/travel ("The Homemade Life" & "Trail of Crumbs"). Perhaps I love reading because I also love writing. I love words and the way they look and sound on paper. I love stories and the way stories connect people who may not seem connected in any significant way. Reading these works of art gives me the courage to write and to tell my own story. To share the beautiful, the broken, the complicated, and the ugly parts of that story. The story...my life story that continues to unfold every single day.

Thank you, Lord, for my personal life story. Thank you that it's not finished yet. Thank you for revealing Yourself to me in the midst of the busyness of life's messy, hectic moments. Thank you for the gift of words and Your Word to guide me when faith is hard to cling to. I praise You that my life story is waiting to unfold in Your Timing.

"Waiting, trusting, and hoping are intricately connected, like golden strands interwoven to form a strong chain....Because you are Mine, you don't just pass time in your waiting. You can wait expectantly, in hopeful trust. Keep your "antennae" out to pick up even the faintest glimmer of My Presence." ("Jesus Calling" - excerpt from March 12th devotional - by Sarah Young)

"In The Waiting"

2010-12-28T16:41:00.000-08:00

This is a poem I wrote on November 25, 2010, Thanksgiving Day, as the weight of entering another holiday season without children in our lives weighed heavy on my soul. The words just flowed and I wrote the poem in 5 minutes. Clearly inspired by the Divine...

"In the Waiting"

We may not know the reason

God has kept us in this season
For so long.
Yet we will cling to hope and trust
That He will reveal
His Will to us, in time.

We may not know His time frame
Yet our faith in Him still grows
Despite that nights are often dark
And time, it feels so slow.

Our faith stands firm
Still trusting, that our God,
Indeed does know.

He hears our prayers
He knows our hearts
His grace, it overflows.

And when His plan is ready
And answers are revealed
His glory, it will overwhelm
His power, will not be concealed.

And we will testify
With our words and with our lives
The great things God has done
To heal us in our deepest pain
To release our longing wants.

Because it is in the waiting
That we see our strength is not enough
We cannot carry this alone.

Faith now resting on the One
Who loves us more
Than we could ever comprehend.

Believing that His mercy
And trusting grace that He
Will refine us until the end.

11/25/10 eja

24 Hours in the City that Never Sleeps...SEATTLE!

2010-08-28T14:13:00.000-07:00

Can I just say how much I LOVE Seattle?!? I love the Seattle skyline, the Space Needle (aka "the NEED" as Brian refers to it), Lattes from Ladro, Queen Anne, Pike Place, fresh seafood, exploring downtown by foot, the Seahawks, the Mariners, the mountains, the water, and college memories at Seattle Pacific. Love it. Miss it. Love to visit.

So when we received a phone call from my friend Kristi offering us two free tickets to the pre-season Seahawk game against the Green Bay Packers we didn't hesitate. Yes, yes, did we say YES?!? The tickets were Kristi's dad's tickets which they couldn't use since they would be out of town. And let me tell ya, these seats weren't your basic-run-of-the-mill tickets. Oh no, these were CLUB seat tickets. We had our own, private entrance and food/restroom area. It was pretty amazing! We feel so blessed and thankful that Kristi thought of us. What a gift!

We dropped Charley off at Brian's mom's house for the night, stopped by Starbucks and Great Harvest for some sustenance and headed north. The drive was long, complete with road construction and major traffic. I guess heavy traffic is the only thing I don't miss about living in Seattle although I was ignorantly blissful while I was going to SPU since I never had to drive in the traffic (never had a car during college). Brian doesn't like traffic. Not at all. And I guess my reassurance and therapist-like voice doesn't soothe him during his frustration/road rage. Oh well. Learning not to try and control others' feelings and/or responses to situations. :-)

We stayed at the downtown Seattle Hilton and had a city/I-5 view from the 19th floor. And if we craned our necks just a little to the right (while pushing our foreheads to the bay window), we even had a tiny "water view". We got settled and then put on our walking Nike's. First stop? Pike Place Market! It was sheer craziness! Pretty overwhelming with tons of people. After a quick purchase of the Market Spice Tea, we decided to head back to the hotel to make plans for a "happy hour" location. There was a really friendly concierge who suggested we try a local favorite called Brooklyn's. (A little side-note: we had already walked by Brooklyn's but I shot it down because it had a red neon sign outside the street-side window that said, "Oyster Shooters".) Oops. I admit that I judged a book by its' cover and crossed it off our dinner list without even walking in the front door. On her recommendation, we went to Brooklyn's and had the most amazing Happy Hour drinks and appetizers. Imagine Ruby Red Martinis, Calamari, fries with sea salt & rosemary, and crab and shrimp nachos. So delicious! Brian also enjoyed local micro brews and I drank a $3 glass of Chardonnay.

Then we were on our way (walking of course after Happy Hour) to the Seahawks' game. We took the light rail down to the stadium and got there with plenty of time to explore the Club section. It was a fun game despite losing to the Packers.

The next day we slept-in a little bit and walked to Pike Place again but in search of donuts, coffee, and the elusive breakfast panini sandwich (we never could find exactly what Brian was looking for to eat but it worked out). I love this little, crazy-busy French bakery called Le Panier. Incredible EVERYTHING. Because I wanted to have a "local, non-chain latte", we stood in the long line at Le Panier. It was worth it even though we had to wait FOREVER and my chair had this sticky concoction of baked goods and water from the last customer (which I got on my new 7 jeans...not happy).

After "1st breakfast", we decided to try "Lowell's" which is one of the restaurants that Giada (famous chef) featured on her "Weekend Getaways: Seattle edition 2009". I could be wrong but I think that might be the same restaurant on "Sleepless in Seattle" too. We had the best "greasy spoon" breakfast ever. Bacon, sausage, eggs, and hearty sourdough. Plus fresh-squeezed orange juice and a lovely view of the water.

Wrapping up the Pike Place experience, Brian asked me if I wanted a bouquet of flowers. We found the most lovely bouquets ($5 each - 1 for me and 1 for his mom). We were tempted to buy some fresh Halibut from the famous fish place because the sign promised "keeps on ice for 48 hours"...but, no. No fish smell allowed for the 4 to 5-hour drive home. We did buy 4 enormous peaches and one french baguette from Le Panier.

Back to the hotel; checked out and drove up to Queen Anne where we walked the avenue and I reminisced about the little shops, churches, and Queen Anne Safeway. The creme-de-la-creme of the Queen Anne tour was Cafe Ladro where I ordered a Pumpkin Spice Latte and Brian got an Americano. I am excited that we purchased a bag of Ladro coffee beans...can't wait until our Costco coffee runs out to try it.

Oh how I love Seattle!

San Diego Zoo

2010-08-27T19:41:00.001-07:00

We went to the San Diego Zoo for our 12th wedding anniversary and absolutely LOVED it! There are so many different animals...animals I've never even heard of before let alone seen. The best part of the day was being with my man, my amazing husband Brian, who has been through so much with me over the past 16 years we've been a couple and 12 years of marriage. I am blessed that he is my best friend, my soul mate, my anchor, my love. I love animals and I loved sharing this incredible experience at the San Diego Zoo with Brian.

my nephews

2010-08-25T14:01:00.000-07:00

blake

ryan

We recently went to Southern California to spend time with my extended family. Part of that time we had the chance to hang-out with my brother and his family. It was so much fun getting to know my nephews Ryan and Blake better and simply be together.

One of the days we drove to Huntington Beach for a beach day. Parking was insane because it also happened to be the ending weekend for the U.S. Open of Surfing. Only one of the largest surf competition in the world! Even though we didn't actually watch the pros surf, we finally found street parking 15+ blocks away and found a little spot for our beach blankets & gear.

We can't wait to be together again! We sure miss these little guys already!

Schnauzers!

2010-07-31T19:59:00.000-07:00

14th annual schnauzer walk

charley

basil (3 months old)

beth & charley

poor lil' schnauzer who won 1st place for best costume

"mini-schnauzer in the pod"

brian with our charley boy

serious case of dog-A.D.H.D.

charley reunited with foster brother Max

giant schnauzer rescued by nw miniature schnauzer rescue

pretty in pink

What can I say? Brian is a good man. An amazing husband who allowed us to spend most of our Saturday in Oregon City at the 14th Annual Schnauzer Walk. It's 100% true...these activities are more "my thing" than Brian's favorite way to spend a Saturday. He did it for me. And for Charley. I don't know who was more distracted by all the schnauzers (and their barking/yelping/"talking" and sheer cuteness!); Charley or ME! I loved seeing the various breeds and schnauzer sizes. Minis, standards, and giants! I loved seeing how different each of them looked in their coat colors (black, white, brown, salt & pepper, parti, gray). I loved seeing their personalities come alive and listening to them communicate with each other. The coolest part was that I wasn't nervous or stressed at all. If you know me, you might be aware that I tend to stress out or have a little anxiety sometimes. So it was just nice to relax and allow the dogs to meet each other (serious butt sniffing went on today) and be dogs. I wasn't worried about being judged for Charley barking too much or too loudly. That's because he wasn't the only one!!! It was great to understand that many of his annoying traits are because he is a schnauzer. All in all, it was a lovely day and I'm so happy we made the trip! We can't wait to bring home another schnauzer to add to our family!

arizona & pneumonia

2010-07-26T20:15:00.000-07:00

Catchy title, eh? What an interesting summer it's been! Finished up the school year on a wing and a prayer. Managed to get sick with cold-like symptoms the last week of school. The first symptom began when I was out having martinis with my girlfriends on a Thursday night. I lost my voice. Not uncommon since I love to talk, but kinda weird. Things went downhill from there. I can officially brag that I have been sick since June 12. Good times. What started as a simple cold morphed into Bronchitis and then pneumonia in my right lung. I still have this really attractive cough that makes people look around and wonder if they are at Sea Lion Caves. Nope. Just me. Coughing so hard that my ribs hurt. My energy level continues to mimic my college experience of mono where I crave lots of sleep. At least I'm on summer vacation so I don't have to take "sick days" or take a major pay-cut for being sick for TWO MONTHS. Do you sense some slight frustration?

It was upsetting to be sick for our trip to Arizona in June. My cousin Diane got married and most of my family came for her wedding. We stayed in Arizona for 1 week. Imagine blue skies, sunny days, and 113 degrees (it's a dry heat, though!). We went to Scottsdale, Flagstaff, the Grand Canyon, and Sedona. Despite being so sick that I couldn't hug most of my relatives let alone talk with them without causing panic that I might have Swine Flu or the SARS virus and coughing so hard (and loud) that poor Brian couldn't sleep at night either (I guess I was lonely being up all night by myself!); we managed to see the sights, relax by the pool, and eat some amazing food.

Our Arizona Trip Top 10 List:

10. Family dinner at the Saddle Ranch Chop House - we tried it on Brian's recommendation...too bad that it was a bar with scantily-clad waitresses and '80's music videos playing on TV's in sight of my young nephews! The cheeseburger sliders were yummy, though!

9. Taking various shuttle buses at the Grand Canyon since my oxygen levels were low and I could only walk a few steps without needing to rest.

8. Swimming outside -- in the warm sunshine! Love it!

7. Beth/Brian "dinner date" at "The Mission" in Scottsdale. Think amazing Modern Latin cuisine...big taste, small plates. Guacamole made fresh-to-order table-side.

6. Ancient cave dwellings...Montezuma Castle National Monument & Well

5. S-E-D-O-N-A. Red rocks. Artsy, funky vibe. Sedona Hilton Resort.

4. Family time...grandparents, great aunt & uncle, aunts, uncles, cousins (and their husbands), nephews, sister-in-law, brothers, my parents, Brian. Just wish I could have spent more "quality time" and been healthy.

3. Pizza with majorly fresh toppings at Beaver Street Brewery in Flagstaff

2. Diane & Rod's amazing, beautiful wedding in Phoenix! 1st time meeting Rod! Welcome to the family and congratulations!

1. TIME WITH BRIAN. Let's be honest. It's no fun being sick. Not for me. And definitely not for Brian. :-) But we had time together. Away from home. A vacation. Together.

Memorial Day Weekend & Meal-Planning

2010-05-31T17:42:00.000-07:00

It has been such a blessing to have a 3-day weekend! I have loved taking a break from the busyness and stress of work, meetings, and a never-ending "to-do list". Hard to believe that we only have 12 school days with students! So much to-do and so little time.

But I'm not going to worry about that at this moment.

Instead I want to tell you about our delightful and productive weekend at home. We have balanced work and fun (although I prefer the "fun" part). Since I love making lists, here's a snapshot of our weekend:

1) slept-in
2) worked in the yard
3) did laundry (and folded "Laundry Mountain")
4) pruned a Butterfly Bush ~ I kind of took out my stress on the helpless plant...I hope it survives!
5) went to the Grand Opening for Brian's friend's new brewery/restaurant called www.sevenbridesbrewing.com - we sampled 12 different beers and food (Brian ordered the Bratwurst and I had a pulled pork sandwich with extra BBQ sauce)
6) went to the 8 a.m. church service - laughed & cried while Pastor John shared the miracle of being able to swallow again after 18 months (www.johnstumbo.org/blog)
7) had crepes and coffee/my Jay Brule Latte at the French Press
8) watched some TV
9) finished reading Eat, Pray, Love for the 2nd time!
10) allowed Brian to help me organize/clean-out my purses, business paperwork, and "stuff" in the spare room ~ he has a "tough-love approach" that is just what I need but fight against :-)
11) made breakfast for dinner (scrambled eggs with cheese, Belgian Waffles with real maple syrup, and Chicken-Apple Sausage)
12) bought a Starbucks Venti Vanilla Latte using the "remaining balance" of 4 different Starbucks' gift cards and some cash
13) took time to plan our dinners for the week using Weight Watchers on-line
14) went grocery shopping together
15) took Charley for a couple of walks

I am really excited about meal-planning! Since he loves to cook (and I love to learn how to cook) Brian suggested that we decide on a fun dinner menu for the week and shop for the items that we need ("concept?!"). Here is this week's dinner menu (almost everything is good for us too...from Weight Watcher recipes) ~

Monday - Southwestern Slow-Cooker Chicken & Potato Soup, Mexican Black Bean Salad, Spicy Tortilla Chips, and Strawberry Mango Smoothies

Tuesday - Leftovers

Wednesday - Grilled Cuban Chicken with Black Bean and Mango Salsa, Jicama and Avocado Salad, and fresh fruit (Mangoes, bananas, & strawberries)

Thursday - Leftovers

Friday - Chicken Parmigiana, Green Salad, Red Wine, and Strawberries

Saturday - Leftovers

I'm also excited about eating healthier foods and cooking and eating together! It is so much fun looking at the different types of cuisine and making dishes we have never made before. I'll be sure and let you know how the menu/meal-planning process works out!

Bon Appetit!

Happy Want-to-be-a-Mother Day to Me!

2010-05-09T18:44:00.000-07:00

Today is Mother's Day. Today marks 7 years of "trying" to have a baby. Yep. You heard it...we took the plunge and threw caution to the wind on Mother's Day 2003. It's a bittersweet irony that the beginning of our quest toward parenthood began on an amazing, lovely, wonderfully joyful day to honor mothers everywhere. And I do believe mothers should be honored, thanked, and given the love and recognition that they deserve for the long, sleepless nights without sleep, crying babies (and husbands), dirty laundry & dishes that have a knack for reproducing minutes after the clean laundry has been folded and put-away and the sink has been emptied. I can't speak from direct personal experience but my friends who are mommies have testified these struggles to be accurate. I have seen their tired eyes and heard their stories of showering when the baby's asleep or sleeping during baby's nap time in effort to catch-up on the many hours of sleep they have missed. I have also seen (and heard) their sweet mommy stories of the way their little ones smell in their special baby-scented way or the awe-inspiring, "Praise the Lord" moments when their son or daughter asks Jesus to come into their hearts, to reign over their lives. And I rejoice with them...with genuineness and authenticity. I truly know what it feels like to experience multiple emotions simultaneously. To have the deep soulful joy for a friend who has been blessed with a child after a devastating, "why-oh-why Lord Jesus" loss by miscarriage, stillbirth, or tragedy. To be at a dear friend's baby shower a couple of months after our own loss -- to laugh and to cry -- in the same breath. I have been privileged to learn more about my faith, my doubts, my sinful nature, my hopes & dreams, and God's grace in spite of my weakness. I have been broken more times than I can count. I have cried rivers of tears. I have longed for a baby of our own more than life itself sometimes. I have often asked God "why?" "Why us? Why me?" I have yet to receive an answer to our questions. I don't understand the reason that we are on this journey. Or why God has chosen to make this part of my life's story. I yearn to know and to understand His perfect plan for me, for us, for our family. I long to see what He has planned. I still dream of becoming a mom/mommy/mama. I have no idea how God is going to grow our family. What I am certain of is that we are still in "the waiting time". We are still on this journey, waiting for God to reveal Himself; praying for a miracle - calling out for His healing of our hearts and of my body. I am also confident that God knows and God sees even when the veil has yet to be lifted. His story for my life is still being written.

Today has been a day of mixed emotions for me. We had a special time with my mom and mother-in-law. My parents visited from out-of-town yesterday to honor Brian as he received his administrative license. They spent the night and it was fun hanging out with them. Today Brian and I made an awesome brunch for my parents and mother-in-law and enjoyed being together. The only activity that was missing was going to church together, which we usually do. To be honest I just wasn't up for it this year. You see, every Mother's Day during the church services the pastor has all the mothers stand-up and receive applause and recognition. And every single year, for the past 7 years that we have been "trying" to have a baby I have remained seated on the pew, choking back tears and a tightness of pain/hurt/longing in my chest. Heck, some years I just let the tears flow...I couldn't keep the pain inside. I knew I wasn't up for that today and allowed myself the permission and the "grace" to not go today. And that is ok with me...it really is. I think today was a perfect example of how I am really trying to listen to my heart, feelings, thoughts, and be present, in the moment. It doesn't mean that I won't experience the pain of loss and longing at other times or on other days. That's the annoying thing about grief...it doesn't ask first, "Would now be a good time? [for you to cry, remember, etc.]" There is no rhyme or reason to it. Some baby showers and news of expectant mommies, I feel strong and confident and the pain seems a million miles away. Then, out of no where, "boom", the emotions come rushing in. Maybe that is one of the odd blessings in the length of time that Brian and I have been on this infertility journey. We have literally cycled through all the stages of grief over and over again.

I thought my title was appropriate, "Happy Want-to-be-a-Mother Day". The main difference from "Mother's Day" on the calendar year is that wanting to be a mother happens 365 days a year for me. I share these thoughts to share my heart with you and to find meaning in the midst of a confusing, soul-searching time in my life. If you are a mommy I hope that you are able to recognize that I am not trying to hurt any of you as a by-product of my own personal pain. I admire you mothers out there...you are truly angels and have the precious gift of raising children in godly homes. I love you my friends who are mothers. I love your children too. Thank you for sharing them with me over the years. Thank you for including me in their lives. Thank you for not being afraid to enter my pain and my journey even though it might look different than your life path as a mommy. Thank you for acknowledging my pain by saying, "I don't know what this is like for you, Beth, but help me understand. How can I support you?" Thank you for your prayers...for your acceptance...for your friendship. Thank you for sharing the news you are expecting even when it was uncomfortable or you didn't know how I would receive it. Thank you for being honest and for being real. Thank you for not forgetting the fact that I am still on this journey and eagerly await the moment when Brian and I are "on the other side".

So, with heartfelt honesty, Happy Mother's Day to you dear mothers. May you experience God's rich love and unending grace -- you are the unsung heroes.

And Happy Want-to-be-a-Mother Day to Me! May God's will be done and may I continue to trust in Him in the waiting.

Chinese Tea ~ Update

2010-01-10T16:38:00.000-08:00

I saw Deanna (my acupuncturist) for a follow-up appointment this week. And we were able to check-in about the AWFUL tasting Chinese herbal tea she prescribed for me. When I told her the details she stifled a little laugh and told me that I had the dosage wrong! Instead of boiling 2 cups of water I need to boil 4 cups and instead of boiling the herbs for 20 minutes, I only need to boil them for 10 minutes. And the tea shouldn't be brownish but a pale yellow. Yikes! I'm SO GLAD that we had that little chat. Finally, she suggested that I cut the red berries in half to help sweeten the taste. I have made the tea four times since my appointment and, so far, it has really helped to have it more watered down. She urged me to make it in the morning, before work, pour it into a thermos, and drink it throughout the day.

A Starbucks Vanilla Latte it is not, but at least it isn't as intense as before.

"You Want Me to Drink WHAT???"

2010-01-05T19:16:00.000-08:00

Directions/Dosing Information

"Tree Bark & Red Berries"...in a bag

Boil & Drink

At the end of my last acupuncture appointment in 2009 my acupuncturist Deanna suggested that I begin taking Chinese herbs to help keep my qi ("chi") flowing (e.g. keep the blood moving since she told me that I have "liver qi stagnation"). The last week in December I received a voicemail saying that the herbs had arrived at the office and were ready for me to pick up. So, I went to go pick them up, expecting a normal sepia-toned, semi-opaque pill bottle (think Vitamins), only to be handed a clear plastic bag full of dried red berries and white bark. Not only was I stunned by the herb's appearance --- these are the real deal, herbs in the raw --- I was given my dosing information by another acupuncturist who told me, "I think these are the herbs that Deanna wants you to take" and casually told me that I should boil 2 cups of water with 5 "white pieces" and 10 "red berries" for 20 minutes. Then drink it. He told me that I needed to do this 1-3 times per day and to sip it while it's hot. I was like, "Whoa -- I need a sticky note and pencil 'cuz I need to get this right." Believe you me it's a good thing I asked because if I didn't I am worried I might have tried to eat the berries or the bark. It was a little hard to understand the acupuncturist's accent too so that complicated things. I think he called the red berries "jujubes" but then I recalled that there's a candy with the same name. Confusion! I was somehow able to google the herbs and found out that the red berries are Chinese Red Dates (aka Jujubes) and the white bark is called Chinese Angelica Root.

I have only been able to handle drinking this special medicinal tea 3 times because it tastes AWFUL. Imagine what swallowing bark from a forest is like and season it with a super bitter aftertaste and there you have it...yucky! It helps to remind myself that it will be worth it and it's a way to become healthy. I'm willing to give it a try but it is taking a lot of willpower -- mind over matter. Or, in this case, mind over tree bark and red berries.

Rip City: Trail Blazers vs. Warriors' Game

2010-01-05T18:34:00.000-08:00

Blazers' "Gymnasts" (these gals get thrown into the air!)

#24 Andre Miller (Guard) in action

Blazers' Dancers & Cheerleaders

Jump Ball - Start of ball game

#33 Dante Cunningham (Forward)

Brian & Beth (still in awe of the amazing seats!)

#7 Brandon Roy (Guard) & #6 Juwan Howard (Forward)

Our good friends, Jen and Eric, gifted us with these incredible Blazers' tickets for the last Saturday night's game against the Golden State Warriors. We were told that they were awesome seats but we had no idea until we actually walked down the steps (down, down, down) to the main floor. Our seats were mid-court, sixth row back! We were sitting across from where the players sit. It was awesome to see the players and the action up close!!! I think Brandon Roy might have smiled in my direction but I can't prove it (don't worry - Brian knows!). Not only did the Blazers win the game 105 to 89 but everyone got a free Chalupa from Taco Bell because they scored 100 points. We had such a fun night! Go Blazers!!!

Tiffany's Bachelorette Party

2009-12-27T18:59:00.000-08:00

Jen, Tiffany, & Allison (BFF's)
Beautiful bride-to-be, Tiffany

The blue box really speaks for itself!

Tiffany & Jen

A few weeks ago I attended my friend Tiffany's lingerie shower and bachelorette party. It was hosted by her BFF's Jen and Allison at Allison's historic home in Vancouver. The theme was "Breakfast @ Tiffany's" and guests were invited to wear their favorite "little black dress" `a la Audrey Hepburn in the classic movie. We were also asked to wear a little "bling" to the event. Our hostesses gifted each guest with boas, necklaces, and bracelets to adorn ourselves with. Tiffany also received a lovely tiara as the "bride to be". The lingerie shower was tons of fun (Tiffany received a lifetime supply of sexy panties!) and the bachelorette party was equally classy and fun.

We dined at Via Delizia (http://www.viadelizia.com/) for dinner and made our way to a super cool karaoke place (Tiffany LOVES karaoke) called Voicebox (http://www.voiceboxpdx.com/). At Voicebox our party had our own room to sing to our hearts' content (and we did)! After singing we went to VooDoo Donuts (http://www.voodoodonut.com/) where Tiffany was required to order an outrageous specialty donut (try and guess!).

After donuts, four of us (Tiffany, her friend Liz, and Tiffany's sister Tricia) checked into the downtown Marriott to spend the night. This little party was tucked into bed by 12:30 a.m.! We slept in the next morning and grabbed Starbucks @ Pioneer Place and went shopping. All in all, an amazing weekend celebrating my dear friend, Tiffany!

east meets west

2009-12-27T14:28:00.000-08:00

this fall i decided to make an appointment with an acupuncturist. a friend of mine went to this acupuncturist's office and described her experiences (which simultaneously scared and fascinated me). i thought..."why not? it can't hurt to try (thinking - i have tried everything else medically)". my initial appointment was in mid-October. to prepare for the appointment new patients are asked to write their medical histories in narrative format. for someone who enjoys writing i thought that it would be easy, however, i procrastinated until the night before. i wanted to AVOID this task. probably because i knew it would open up old emotional wounds from the past and memories of the myriad of fertility treatments/surgeries that i endured. fortunately, i found the opposite to be true. sure, it was emotional but it was cathartic...pure release. and i started from my childhood so it was therapeutic as well. i churned out 6 full (typed) pages and printed 2 copies...one for deanna (acupuncturist) and one for me.

the next day, before the appointment, i was extremely apprehensive and nervous about the process. you see, i am the person you hear about who has fainted while getting a shot (ok i only did that ONCE but it was a sight to behold i'm sure...at least the way i tell it, in dramatic fashion). i loved meeting deanna, my acupuncturist. i felt instantly at ease with her which is critically important. it is a very vulnerable process: you lie on a massage table in nothing but your undergarments with a couple of fleece blankets and a pillow and wait for the needles to arrive. plus my feet are usually cold and they stuck out of the blankets which was an extra little treat! trust is essential. deanna talked with me, asked me about my life, read my medical autobiography (which is why she didn't come into the room for like 10 minutes -- it took awhile to read my life story!) :-), and simply listened. she explained that i needed to let go and allowed me to talk through the process as she inserted the needles (which hurt like hell at times). so i cried. i laughed. i asked questions. i tried to be "in the moment" and experience the physical sensations. in addition to traditional acupuncture, deanna took a stick of Moxa (the herb mugwort), lit it with a lighter, and put it in a wooden box. she put a lid on the box and set the warm, smoking wooden box on my abdomen. the first time she did this my mind worked overtime to stop from freaking out entirely for fear that the Moxa would burn through the wooden box and start a fire on my vulnerable body then move on to burn the entire practice down to the ground. [i think that this kind of thinking is what therapists call a "thinking error" but it seemed a logical fear at the moment!]

at this moment in the story you may be thinking, "she really has gone crazy!" but i assure you that the seeming torture that i joyfully signed up for was an amazing time of self-reflection, relaxation, healing, and hopefulness. deanna can best be described as 1/2 therapist and 1/2 doctor. in only 10 acupuncture appointments i feel healthier and more "free" than years of therapy (keep in mind that i only go to therapy 1x per month so that's like only 12 sessions or so in "real time"). i actually teared up a little bit on my tenth session at the realization that it was my last acupuncture treatment for 2009. it became something i looked forward to. poor brian thought i had embraced my eugene roots and was on my way to becoming a hippie. my parents asked me if i had forsaken western medicine! (hah -- my mom really used those words -- cracked me up!) maybe i am enjoying the throw-back, homage to eugene but i think it's more about hanging on to hope and being open to new things.

whatever the reason, i sure do miss the sweet smell of Moxa that used to permeate my hair and clothes twice a week this fall. and i miss my therapy/medical sessions with deanna.

at least 2010 brings 10 more acupuncture treatments! yay!

Thirty-Three (33)

2009-10-10T21:01:00.001-07:00

I started this blog one year ago, shortly after my 32nd birthday. Last Monday, October 5, I turned the big 3-3. Yep. Thirty-three years old! To commemorate my 33rd year I have decided to create a list of 33 things I am thankful for:

1. That I have been REDEEMED by the blood of the LAMB
2. My husband of 11 years, Brian
3. My parents, Tom & Joane
4. My brothers, Bill & John
5. My extended family (by blood & by marriage)
6. Our sweet Miniature Schnauzer, Charley
7. Our cute home of 6 years
8. My job as a school counselor
9. My friends
10. My health (overall healthy just occasional illnesses)
11. My freedom
12. Delicious, healthy, and abundant food to eat
13. A warm, cozy bed to sleep in
14. Vanilla Lattes
15. Bouquets of flowers
16. The Oregon Ducks' Football team
17. Our Subaru Outback & Honda Accord...that we are blessed to have a car at all let alone TWO
18. Quality time with those I love
19. The ability to create, write, dream
20. The gift of GRACE
21. The grace of FORGIVENESS
22. God's MERCY
23. Enjoying exercise
24. Losing weight
25. Long walks with Brian & Charley
26. Traveling
27. Sitting on the beach, watching the waves crash or seeing a beautiful sunset
28. My Christian counselor
29. Friends who take the time to just listen..heart to heart
30. New beginnings
31. Color...in nature, fashion, make-up, art, photos
32. Living in the moment
33. Memories

There you have it. Thirty-three (33) things I am thankful for at this very moment.

How about you? How has God blessed your life today?

Adjustment Period

2009-09-12T14:34:00.000-07:00

As I shared in my last post, school has started. Students are back; each day is jam-packed with activity. Life is busy again. Our September calendar is filling-up and that is not necessarily a "good thing". It simply is our current reality.

Next week Brian resumes graduate school which means that he will have super long Mondays. He even has class all day next Saturday. He is balancing graduate school, teaching, and coaching football. Football games are every Thursday and Friday night. As you can imagine Brian is exhausted. In fact he is taking a nap while "watching" college football as white noise in the background. I am simply tuning the game out - it is a special talent that I have developed over the years. Even Charley is sleeping with his B.F.F. raccoon by his side.

I am trying to hold on for the roller coaster ride in all this change and increase in activity. I was so excited for this weekend to arrive. I slept in this morning, made a Hazelnut Latte, read the newspaper, part of a "fun" book, and have been getting caught up on laundry & various other housework. It is an adjustment for me to be the primary "point person" in terms of cooking, cleaning, taking care of the dog, scheduling various appointments, etc. Up until this particular season in our married lives, the household duties have been fairly equally divided. To put it plainly....I am super blessed to have a very involved and helpful husband. He is clean, craves an orderly & organized home, is an amazing cook/chef, and contributes significantly to "running the household". I appreciate him so much.

Now I am coming to terms with all the cooking (lunches, dinners), grocery shopping, cleaning, caring for our new dog, laundry, dishes, etc. All of you stay-at-home moms at there are probably reading this and saying, "Yep - do that. Check. And that. Check, check." I don't know how you do it AND have little ones you are caring for on top of daily "stuff". I admire you all - you are my heroes.

I know that we will get through this super busy time. And I know that this is an opportunity for me to grow as a woman and a wife. Perhaps I will become more disciplined, more organized, more understanding, a better cook/baker. Perhaps I will learn to savor the quiet moments of reflection when it is simply Charley and I. Maybe I will tend to the "introverted" part of me that I sometimes neglect or don't want to embrace. Or use the time to reconnect with girlfriends - to laugh, scrapbook, go for a walk, or enjoy Starbucks together. I hope to grow closer to God in this process as I rely more and more on Him for strength to accomplish these new tasks and schedule. Finally, I pray that I may cherish the time we do have as a family even more; knowing that the time we have together may be "less" but can be the best quality time ever.

May I "lean in" to this time of adjustment and change and be refined in the process.

Back to School

2009-09-02T18:21:00.000-07:00

Summer vacation is officially over. Bummer.

I love having summers free to read, sleep in, travel, go to coffee & lunch with friends, hang out with Brian, go to the beach, go to the Farmer's Market, stay up late, watch movies, journal/write, attend exercise classes any time of day, run errands, go to appointments without having to check with anyone else, and time to simply do whatever comes each day. Love that freedom and flexibility.

Now I am back to work. My days (so far) have been full of marathon meetings with so much information crammed into each 3+ hour meeting that it makes my head spin. I'm gearing up for another meeting tomorrow from 12:30-4 p.m. Yikes! I am looking forward to seeing all the staff again and catching up with everyone so that is the silver lining.

I've already connected with 7 families and helped measure 11 kids for the Operation School Bell program (free, new clothing donated by the Assistance League). I've been able to distribute 13 backpacks filled with school supplies to these same students. I love seeing the smiles on the kids faces and the words of thanksgiving and smiles (sometimes hugs) of grateful parents. I've talked with a grandma who called on behalf of her daughter's children who are in need of clothing, shoes, and school supplies this year. The grandma asked to be anonymous because he daughter feels so embarrassed to even ask for assistance.

Which made me stop and realize that I have so much to be thankful for. I have never been in that situation - to want for clothing or school supplies. To ask for food, shelter, money to pay for our bills, etc. We are so blessed beyond compare. It really gave me perspective, empathy, and grace for this family, whomever they are. I pray that God will allow me to meet this family, to reach out to them, whenever they are ready.

The "give and take" exchange is humbling for me to be a part of as well. I feel blessed that these resource programs allow me to make that extra point of connection with students and their parents. Sometimes I am the first person that has listened to them - really listened. Sometimes I am the only one they chose to tell their secrets that they've held onto for years - the painful kinds of secrets like abuse or domestic violence. Sometimes I am the only one who has never yelled at them or the first person to treat them with respect and value.

I recognize that my role as a school counselor is an honor. It is a gift; a privilege; a responsibility. Every day that I am at my school, I desire to walk the hallways and classrooms and walk with students and their parents. I desire to make a difference. My prayer is to impart hope, healing, joy, laughter, a zeal for learning, renewed dreams, motivation, friendship, and to share my HOPE and life that comes from Jesus Christ ALONE.

I am already praying for the kids and parents that I will meet this new school year. I can't wait to catch-up with the students I already know...to see how much they've grown over the summer and to hear about what's new in their lives (the good and the bad). I love their excitement for a "new year" and their enthusiasm for a clean slate and new beginning.

Picture days are PRICELESS. Boys with combed hair, girls with braids, all wearing their "best" or "most special" outfits. And the 1st graders...oh what a change for them! From 2 1/2 hours of school per day to a full 6 hours! I don't know who cries more - the parents or child! Either way the start of the year brings some adjustments and "firsts", especially in first grade.

So. I am "Back to School" now. Won't you join me in praying for the hearts and minds of the 625 elementary students I work with? May they come to know Jesus Christ as their personal Savior and experience the love and acceptance that only HE can bring.

Amen.

Exercise

2009-08-26T11:03:00.000-07:00

Charley, Charley, Charley.

Charley has been with us 10 days now. Although it took all of us awhile to adjust, I think that he finally recognizes that he is our adopted dog now. This morning when we woke up and I let him outside he was extra affectionate - he stretched out his little legs and put his paws on me, wanting to be petted. That little gesture melts my heart like butter. It makes my new-found 6 a.m. mornings worthwhile.

A couple of days ago, while taking Charley on a walk around the neighborhood, we came across another Miniature Schnauzer and his owner. I naively thought that it would be wonderful if the two dogs could "meet each other" on leash....not a good idea! Unfortunately I wasn't accurately reading Charley's nonverbal behavior and he lunged at the other dog, bared his teeth, growled, and barked ferociously. Quite naturally the other dog was in "attack mode" too and his owner went the "flight" route in the "fight vs. flight" experience. I totally don't blame her!

When I brought Charley home I was extremely frustrated by his little outburst. I needed to run a few errands so I went to Border's that evening and bought the book "Be the Pack Leader" by Cesar Millan, the "Dog Whisperer". I started reading it right away and it is amazing! Millan states that dogs have three essential needs (in this particular order): 1) Exercise, 2) Discipline (rules & boundaries), and 3) Affection. He suggests that dogs need to have 2-3 walks per day that are 45 minutes to 1 hour long. The primary purpose of the walk is to allow the human to demonstrate being the "pack leader" and taking the dog on a "migration" walk for a minimum of 20 minutes, followed by a 5-minute "break" of sniffing/marking/and relieving themselves. After this quick break, it's back to more "migration" where the human is in control and the dog must either walk side by side or behind the human "pack leader".

The beauty of this theory (so far) is that it is working! Charley is not rehabilitated yet and progress is slow but I am sticking with the game-plan and practicing being "calm-assertive" as I walk him. I have noticed that when I project a "calm-assertive" energy then Charley is less likely to bark at other dogs or people on the walk. He continues to struggle not walking me (e.g. not being "alpha dog") but, all in all, he is "getting it"!

I am learning so much and reaping the benefits of 2+ hours of brisk walks as well as Charley. I love feeling the fresh air, looking at the flowers and plants on our walks, and feeling my body "moving" and alive. I have already lost a few more pounds since we got Charley and the walks are helping both of us.

The true test comes when the weather changes - rain, snow, early dark days and nights. It will be helpful to remember that Charley (and his humans) need the exercise for our bodies and for mental clarity.

In essence, exercise has become a "non-negotiable" (and I really like it!).

today

2009-08-26T08:19:00.000-07:00

August 26, 2009, marks one year since we received the phone call that IVF "didn't work". I recall being in such shock and disbelief plus it was my first day back to work and I knew I would find out either way sometime that day. I received the call from the nurse around 1:00 p.m. and I could hear it in her voice and her initial words, "Beth....I am so sorry. I wish I had better news." I hung up my office phone in shock and shared the news with my boss. She hugged me, tears in her eyes, and said, "Go home. Go be with Brian."

Somehow I managed to maintain composure and hold back my own tears until I got to my car. Good thing I live fairly close to my work because tears clouded my eyes and streamed down my cheeks the entire drive home. Brian was in a training across town at the time and had asked me to text him that I had information. So, I texted him that I had some news. He texted, "Good or bad?" To be honest I think I said (out loud to no one), "Are you kidding me? He is asking me to text him that?" I went ahead and replied to his text and shared the news. He came home quickly and we cried, held each other, and clung to each other in our shared grief and sadness.

Looking back on that day - one year ago today - I can honestly say that August 26, 2008, was one of the most painful days of my life. We had so much hope and faith that "it would work this time". It was heartbreaking to think that months of medication, trips to the doctor, ultrasounds, and monitoring "failed". It left us with many unanswered questions.

We still don't know the "why" or the "when, Lord?" and "how" will this journey end - what is Your Plan, Lord?

What we do know and believe is that God is refining us, day by day, hour by hour. He is doing a good work in our lives, in our marriage, and in the midst of this pain - in the midst of the "why's". What we cling to is the fact that God will be glorified.

May our lives glorify Him today.

Charley and his BFF

2009-08-22T20:42:00.000-07:00

Brian's mom just bought Charley a new toy...a raccoon/ring-tailed lemur that squeaks. He LOVES it, cuddles with it, and sleeps with it. Here are some adorable photos of Charley and his new BFF (best friend forever).

a little humor

2009-08-19T15:40:00.000-07:00

As I shared earlier this week, we adopted our Miniature Schnauzer, "Charley", on Sunday. He is amazing and we love having him as a member of our family. Overall, he is adjusting quite well, with a few "issues" he still needs to work on (e.g. barking @ other dogs and small children & not always following directions the first time). We continue to adjust more and more every day. It is remarkable how a little 12.5 pound dog "toddler" can impact everything from our daily routines to our sleep quality & duration. I know he is not a human baby but, my goodness, I am beginning to relate on a minuscule level to what new parents must experience when they bring their little bundles of joy home...bleary-eyed and exhausted.

I promised you that dose of humor...here goes. Sometime during the early morning hours I heard some rustling on the bed next to me. I distinctively recall reaching out my hand and "petting" what I thought to be "Charley"....alas, it was Brian's hairy leg. Reflexively I told Brian's leg, "Good dog." True story.

You can't make things like this up.

Welcome to 'Beth's World', where every day is an adventure.

Our Anniversary Date ~ August 8

2009-08-18T12:13:00.000-07:00

Brian and I had a wonderful 11th anniversary. We went to Portland for the afternoon and evening. We went to the Washington Park Rose Garden and enjoyed smelling the roses (yes - it was my idea not Brian's but he obliged for our anniversary). Then we went to 12th Street Grill for "happy hour". I had an amazing Mojito and Brian had a cold beer along with delicious Crab Cakes and tortilla chips with Artichoke Dip. After our snack we walked around the Pearl District for awhile and went shopping at Nordstrom's Rack. We were there forever but left with some sweet deals (think 7 for All Mankind jeans for Brian and a $12.97 Sweet Pea shirt for me). Finally, we headed to a Cuban restaurant called Pambiche for dinner and dessert. Brian enjoyed some flavorful beef dish and I had the chicken with Creole seasoning. Both of our meals were accompanied by plantains - mine were salty like potato chips and Brian's were roasted and sweet (I had major plantain envy so we traded). For dessert we shared a Pineapple Upside Cake with Chantilly Cream around the plate and incredible Cafe con Leche (strong Cuban coffee with milk and sugar!!). So blessed to be married to my best friend!

charley

2009-08-18T11:37:00.000-07:00

Introducing: Charley

Born: January 30, 2008

Adopted: Sunday, August 16, 2009

Proud Puppy Parents: Beth & Brian
Details: Gray/Silver Miniature Schnauzer

Stats: 12.5 lbs. - considered full-grown - and petite

Loves: being petted, his squeaky toys, to be right near his parents (preferably on our laps), sleep, look at himself in the mirror, smell everything, bark (especially at small children - still working on this!), bark louder at all dogs, & eat!
Challenges: Barking, walking on a leash instead of pulling his parents on the leash and taking us for a walk, & accepting boundaries.

After many years of wanting a dog, we are (both) loving our little Charley.

Rescue(d)

2009-08-12T11:14:00.000-07:00

Last night we received the phone call I had been waiting for...(drum roll please)

...from Karen, a foster mom for Northwest Miniature Schnauzer Rescue. She told me about Reyker (pronounced Ray-kerr) who is an 18-month old male purebred Miniature Schnauzer. He is salt and pepper in color, nearly looks black. Karen described Reyker as a "big dog in a little dog's body". He was rescued a week ago after his owner lost her job and was not able to keep him. Poor Reyker's brother, "Attila the Honey", was rescued as well. They split the brothers up because Reyker is described as the "alpha dog" who bossed Attila around (with a name like "Attila the Honey" it was a set-up for bullying...aww). Reyker may have a food allergy and will need doggie obedience school ASAP because he enjoys barking at small children while on his walks around his neighborhood.

I am not afraid! I am over the moon about this little dog and can't wait to meet him. I haven't seen his picture or anything so I'm not sure what to expect - he will be our first pet in 11 years of marriage. We get to meet him at his foster home this Saturday. If all goes well then his foster family will do a "home visit" at our house to see how he does. It is quite an extensive process to adopt from this agency, but I think their process is to make sure that the dog and potential owners are the best match. They really want their rescued dogs to go to a "forever home".

As I count the hours until we meet Reyker (hopefully to be renamed), I got to thinking about what it means to "rescue" or be "rescued". According to Webster's online dictionary, Rescue is a transitive verb meaning "to free from confinement, danger, or evil; to save or deliver". Synonyms for rescue are deliver, redeem, ransom, reclaim, and save. Delving in a bit further, the word deliver implies "release, usually of a person from confinement, temptation, slavery, or suffering."

Psalm 18:19 - "He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me."

God rescued me. He delights in me and loves me. God has delivered me and the suffering that I have been experiencing over the years is shaping and refining my life. The trial may continue and unanswered questions may remain but it isn't for nothing - God has a plan for my life.

God has a plan for this little miniature schnauzer to be rescued - and maybe we are part of his life story and he will be part of ours.

11 Years: A Tribute to Marriage

2009-08-12T10:38:00.000-07:00

August 8th marked 11 years of marriage for Brian and I...count 'em - 11 years! In many ways it feels like yesterday. I can still remember the way Brian's eyes glistened as I walked down the aisle - how he whispered to me how beautiful I looked at that very moment. I felt incredibly beautiful in my ivory ballgown; like a princess.

Last year on our 10th anniversary I watched our wedding video again. It had been a long time since I had watched it. Last summer was especially intense with IVF (I had a doctor's appointment on our 10th wedding anniversary - now that's romantic - not) so I really needed to watch and listen to the wedding "message" from our pastor. The message is powerful and still so applicable for us today. In fact I think it is a charge to all married couples - whether you just got hitched this summer or are celebrating 50 years together - we all need to hear this message.

There are three main points:
1) Keep your eye on the prize.
2) Weigh your words.
3) Remain on the Rock

He also instructed Brian to make me a Vanilla Latte every day (yes he included this in his message) and for me to be Brian's biggest fan at the football games he coaches (I am). To be his greatest fan every day. For Brian and I to be a T-E-A-M. To be "together". Brian always says, "Remember...there's no "I" in "Team"." So true.

I wanted this to be a tribute to marriage and to Brian because many of our friends are getting divorced or separated. Some after 5 years of marriage and some after 10+. Our hearts break for them because of the pain and brokenness that is happening in their lives and hearts. I don't say this to judge anyone because I know that marriage is a daily commitment and I cannot begin to imagine what each person experiences within their own marriages. For us, marriage signifies a daily choice we make to each other and a covenant we made before God and 450 of our closest friends & family :-).

In 11 years of marriage we have moved 3 times, bought our first home, tackled 3 years of graduate school, experienced the loss of Brian's father, my grandpa, my grandma, and our baby nephew. Between the 2 of us we have changed jobs 7 times, attended (or coached) hundreds of football games (I have 14+ years of being a coach's girlfriend/wife under my belt), traveled to Hawaii, New Mexico, Alaska, California, Canada, Arizona, Washington, Washington D.C., Virginia, Massachusetts, and Idaho together. We have been there for each other "in sickness and in health" - with this infertility journey, depression, and various other surgeries & ailments. Some days we don't "like" each other very much and, at times, we question how we will survive, but at the end of the day, the only one I want to be with forever is Brian. I love him so much. I am so thankful for him and the way that God created Brian to compliment me. He is my best friend. He has become my family.

I hope and pray that all of us who are married will continue to love each other. Let us seek God's counsel, wisdom, and strength to persevere. May we be honest with each other and have the courage to seek help when we need it. May we pray together and keep Christ at the center. Let us remain faithful and committed to our marriage covenant. After all - God wants to be glorified in everything...may our marriages honor Him today and always.

Seattle

2009-07-31T10:09:00.000-07:00

I just got back from a work trip to Seattle. It was fantastic! We took Amtrak up to Seattle and stayed at the downtown Westin. My friend Michelle and I got an amazing room on the 37th floor where we had a sweet view of the Space Needle, the water, city, and mountains. Plus we each got our own queen-sized Westin "Heavenly Bed"...which truly feels heavenly! We walked everywhere (despite the record-setting temps - try 103 degrees!) and ate delicious seafood and local, organic vegetables. We even took a ferry to Bainbridge Island and had the best ice cream I've ever eaten. I had one scoop of Swiss Chocolate and one scoop of Vanilla Bean on a waffle cone. My biggest challenge was making sure that the ice cream didn't drip all over me in the heat. We went to Pike Place Market, did the Seattle Underground Tour (our guide Gayle was so funny!!!), and went to the Dahlia Lounge which is this super swanky bar/restaurant that was only 2 blocks from our hotel. Since we were downtown we went shopping at Westlake Center and Nordstrom Rack. I was excited to find 2 Sweet Pea shirts for $12.97 each (normally they are $58 each!). Looks like Nordstrom Rack might be the way to go!

Our conference was about "Professional Learning Communities" and it was really an incredible conference. It was fun to attend workshops with my 4 colleagues (teachers & my principal), learn new information, and get re-energized for the school year ahead. Even though PLC's are "new" to us, they are merely a format for structuring the work that educators already do. I loved one of the break-out sessions about how to structure a "Pyramid of Interventions" for at-risk students. The presenter was so passionate about the work and opened his session by stating that the state of education is a "life and death situation" for these kids. What we do makes a difference in the lives of students and it is up to us to empower kids to learn. For more information check out http://www.allthingsplc.com/ .

Even though we had a fabulous trip and time in Seattle, I am eager to return to Seattle for some quality time with friends that I wasn't able to visit.

Until next time, Seattle, I will get my Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte and think of you.

laughter

2009-07-31T09:58:00.000-07:00

This morning around 5:30 a.m., I woke myself up...by laughing! I guess I was having a hilariously funny dream because I remember that I couldn't stop laughing. I can't recall what my dream was about but apparently I think my own jokes are funny (I crack myself up all by myself)...even when I am sleeping. Hah! I left around 7:30 a.m. to go to spinning class with my work-out buddy Tiffany and when I came home Brian asked, "Did you know that you were laughing in your sleep this morning?" It took just a moment and then, all of a sudden, it dawned on me that, yes, I do remember. Which made me laugh all over again.

Laughter - good for the body and good for the soul.

I Want a Dog

2009-07-19T23:36:00.000-07:00

Yep. That's right. I have been talking about getting a dog for years. Years and years and years. I have wanted a dog all of our married life (almost 11 years now). But the timing was never quite right. First there was apartment living and graduate school, then there was "first jobs" and townhouse. Both situations = DOG-less. No pets were allowed.

In October 2003 we moved into our first home (yay!). In my minds-eye I could imagine what our first dog would look like. A salt and pepper miniature schnauzer like the ones that Brian and I grew up with. Mine was named "Daisy Mae" and Brian's was "Shotzie". Daisy Mae had some mental health issues from being abused by her previous owners but all in all, she was a special little gal (and I am a counselor, aren't I?). She always believed she was a "big dog" and even tried to protect us from possums and raccoons in our backyard.

Needless to say, nearly 6 years have passed since home-ownership and nary a dog or puppy (or pet) in sight! For awhile we didn't have a fenced backyard (it's been fenced for about 3 years now). Most of the hesitation comes from Brian reminding me that we both work 8 hours per day and have a very busy lifestyle. True - we do.

BUT....my job is only a 3-minute drive away from our house which is just perfect for coming home for lunch and checking on our doggie-to-be. And I promise to clean up the special "gifts" in the backyard and to take him for a walk (or two) every day...even in the rain. please...please...Please!?! Like a little kid, "Can I have him, mom and dad...please, please?"

It's not "that bad", but let's just say we have talked about getting a dog, researched it, thought about it, and prayed about it. Sometimes in life you just have to take a leap of faith and make a decision to move forward. "Consumer Reports" magazine can't provide a guaranteed analysis on everything. :-)

My dear friend Melinda heard about 12-15 Miniature Schnauzers that were recently taken into protective custody because their owner was mistreating them and hoarding other animals. She got this information from her mom who works at a local pet store. I left a message for a local volunteer who called me back last week and left a message saying that our first step is to go online and complete an adoption application.

Well.....I am happy to share that I went online tonight (yes - Brian is fully aware!) and completed the adoption questionnaire. The next step will be to wait to hear from the agency once they have found our furry friend to adopt. I can't wait to hear from them!!!

In the meantime I have been getting my "dog fixes" (that sounded a little weird just now) by hanging out with my friend's furry friends. Above are some photos of a Portuguese Podengo dog named Sam that I just fell in love with (he is a friend's friend's daughter's dog).

WOOF. WOOF.

Bush Park Rose Garden

2009-07-17T12:15:00.001-07:00

Last week I decided to bring my digital camera along with me when I did my errands. On my way home I stopped at the Bush Park Rose Garden to "stop and smell the roses". Here are some of my fav pics.

California Family Vacation

2009-07-16T20:47:00.000-07:00

I've been quite "deep" lately so thought it'd be fun to lighten the mood a little bit with some family photos from our recent California family vacation in Clear Lake. It was truly a family vacation. My parents, my brothers & their wives, and two of my nephews (so cute!). We had a wonderful, relaxing trip.

My Mom

John & Myra

Brian & Beth

Uncle Brian & Ryan

Bill & Blake

Clear Lake

Brian at the Ceago Winery

Beth

Clear Lake Resort (Worldmark)

View of Clear Lake from our balcony

A typical day in Nice, California (that's pronounced "Neice") went a little something like this:

Morning - Get up whenever you stop sleeping

Coffee & Cereal

Mid-Morning - Head down to the pool with my book and I-Pod

Shower/Get Ready & Lunch

Wine-Tasting at various local wineries and tasting rooms

Nap

Dinner

Family Hang-Out time (Boggle, Wii, talking/laughing)

Bedtime

Repeat....

Sunny Summer Days

2009-07-16T15:27:00.000-07:00

It is super hot but deliciously sunny outside today. I have been out running errands and having an overall wonderful day. I'm really trying to soak it all in, each and every day. To not miss "moments" in time. Whether it's the moment talking with the Nordstrom's sales associate or chatting with the Roth's cashier about Eastern Oregon's Yellow Onions (I found out she and I both have family over in Eastern Oregon...small world). I am trying to "be in the moment" - to touch it, taste it, see it, feel it, hear it (you get the idea...I'm using all my senses!).

I haven't made a list for awhile and thought it'd be fun sharing some of the "life moments" and experiences that I love (and/or am looking forward to):

1. Art Fair
2. Farmer's Market(s)
3. Freshly baked Honey Whole Wheat Great Harvest Bread
4. California Rolls (with imitation crab and avocado...why do they use "fake crab"?)...eating these with chopsticks
5. Warm & Gooey Brie Cheese with Apricot Jam Topping on circles of French Baguette (Merci!)
6. Spinning Class (as in bike not wool)
7. Fresh "local" berries - blueberries, raspberries, marionberries
8. Going to the public library
9. Not having to pay the parking meter because the kind soul before me put enough coins in, just for me.
10. Nordstrom's Anniversary Sale (starts tomorrow, July 17)

It's not like my "Top 10" or anything but one of my goals is simply to get back into the routine of writing. Whether I write in my journal or post a new blog entry, I am enjoying the process of painting pictures with my words. What a gift to be able to express ourselves through writing.

Enjoy your sunny summer day.

remembering

2009-07-15T10:01:00.000-07:00

One year ago today, we had our "big" appointment with the fertility folks to get the IVF party started. When I say that it was a "big" appointment I mean it involved lots of paperwork including legally, notarized forms as well as LARGE payments with our special credit card. "Cha-ching". Let's just say you know you've spent a lot of money when you arrive home and have several automated voicemails from the credit card company alerting you to "possible fraudulent charges" (i.e. "Hello...did someone just spend an INSANE amount of money?") It was also that day that I got an ultrasound "check" to see if my body was ready to begin the "revving up" portion of IVF...it wasn't! It was quite a let-down to say the least. In fact, my doctor told us...looks like your body isn't quite "ready" to begin IVF. (I must admit we were a bit cynical..."Not ready?! That sounds familiar....")

In fact the doctor said, "Well - I would like you to begin taking this other medication tonight." I replied by saying, "Oh good. A pill?" To my chagrin she responded, "No. An injectable medication." I remember my anxiety shooting through the roof (pun intended). I was thinking, "What a minute! I was supposed to start the injections for the next phase in THREE days not TODAY." Well - that's one way to enter the scary world of giving yourself a shot, let me tell ya!

July 15, 2008 was a day full of expectation, excitement, anxiety, apprehension, fear, and something that can only be summed up as "there's no turning back now!" As I reflect back today, one year later, sometimes it's hard to realize that we actually went through that process...it feels super surreal because we don't have a baby as a result. It "didn't work". The strange thing is that the doctors call it a "failed cycle". Perhaps they do that because it seems more clinical, more scientific. Whatever reason it is called that, it meant so much more to me - to us.

It truly was a loss. One that we continue to work through. Each of us in our own way. Grief and loss isn't always "tangible". It can be the loss of someone, something, a hope, a dream. I have been pondering ways to memorialize this loss. I am thinking of buying some lavender plants to plant at our house. Lavender plants are hardy, don't need a lot of water once established and draw bumblebees and honeybees. The lavender plants we already have are "abuzz" with activity, with life. Plus the smell is intoxicating to me and makes me feel relaxed and at peace.

In my effort to share "the real deal", I want you to know that although I carry this pain, I am ready to unburden myself of it. I am ready to let go and truly live a joyful life. I am not sure what God has planned for me. I have been fearful of "next steps" and "not knowing" and "not being in control". I don't know what the future holds especially in this area of my life. But I am trying to trust God, even when it hurts and even when it is hard to keep the faith. Because HE is worth it all. And God will use this to glorify His name, in His time.

the real deal

2009-06-26T11:20:00.000-07:00

I started my blog after my 32nd birthday last year. I knew that it would offer me a chance to express my thoughts, feelings, doubts, and experiences in a new (albeit very public) way. I have always loved to write. I wrote my first poem when I was 7. I loved creative writing classes and writing poetry and short stories. I have stacks of journals - some that I have started but never "finished"...at least not in a concrete-sequential way. Why didn't I complete these journals? The easier answer is that it's not my style/personality/whatever. Also, I tend to begin all new adventures with significant enthusiasm and then taper off when it's not novel or exciting anymore.

I am ok with that. In fact I resumed journaling in my journal (one with the Eiffel Tower on the outside cover) this week and love seeing what comes from my heart to my mind to pen to paper. I give myself grace and acknowledgement that I continue to "begin again".

I give myself permission to begin wherever I need to begin - even if it feels like I have regressed into old habits or past ways of thinking or "being". God loves us simply because He made us. He receives us exactly where we are...what a gift and what grace in His love.

Getting to the main purpose of this post is this....I want to share the "real" reason that I started this blog. The reason is that I have been struggling with infertility issues for 6 1/2 years now. As far as I can tell that is 6 1/2 years too long! It has been a journey filled with sadness, pain, hope, anger, jealousy, confusion, happiness, loss, loneliness, and renewal. Yes...renewal. Renewed faith and hope despite years of negative pregnancy tests, invasive procedures, surgery, tears, friends blessed with children - then not just their first child but some, 2,3, and 4 after that. Infertility has left scars on our marriage, our bodies, our intimacy, our finances, our spiritual lives, our social lives, and created gnawing questions of self-identify and purpose.

Infertility is nothing I ever imagined we would struggle with or have to overcome. It is often a hidden struggle, a secretive pain - one to endure alone or within the marriage. The inability to conceive and bear children lends itself to feelings of shame, brokenness, and lots of doubt. The role of a mother is integral to the identity of a woman and the essence of purpose. Without the ability to "become a mother" I have often felt confused in my life purpose, identity, and role. Plans have been put on hold for the "what if's".

What if's like...Simple things...from painting rooms to designating the purpose of a room (i.e. should we make this into an office or will it be a nursery?). From taking vacations to putting the house for sale or not. Jobs to apply for? To go back to school or not? Even "eating for 2" before there is actually a "2"...(this is a bad reason to keep weight on let me tell ya!). Postponing trips/vacations/travel plans.

Infertility has rocked our world. It has turned our 11-year marriage upside down and sideways. Talk about "crazy-making" (and I'm in the business of "helping" people!)!? It has impacted my life in virtually every way possible. And I nearly let "it" allow me to feel so depressed that I felt numb. I felt nothing at all.

The miracle of it is...is that I had brunch with a friend about 3 months ago and she offered a new option to my narrow focus. We could "take a break" from our laser-point narrow focus and re-visit our "next steps" at a later date. As soon as I considered that possibility, I felt a sense of peace enter my heart and reach the core of my messy pain. Something within me lifted that day. It was a Divine intervention. Just for me.

So - here's the real deal. The real me. The true story. Has the truth hurt? You bet it has and it still does. Are things "fixed" for me, for us? No - we don't know the outcome of our story. We don't know what God is using this infertility for. We aren't quite sure how our story might unlock or offer hope to another couple experiencing this. We don't know if God will bless us with children of our own. We have no idea what the "next steps" will be.

The beauty of this journey...this story of my life where I am seeking to find joy and peace in the midst of such unknowns...is that I don't have to know right now. I don't have to have it all figured out. I can simply live day by day - resting in the knowledge that God knows, God is good, and God loves me for me.

And for today, for now, that is enough for me.

Working Out (aka Kicking Butt & Taking Names)

2009-06-26T10:53:00.000-07:00

This week my friend and work-out buddy Tiffany had a little heart-to-heart chat about our exercise and fitness goals. Umm we had a little "break" from the gym and our goal-setting recently. You might say we fell off the wagon for awhile.

But we are back in a work-out groove with some serious goals going on. Let's just say that it has been my 4th day in a row of working-out. Here's a little play by play (day by day):

Day One: 35 minutes cardio on Elliptical Trainer
Day Two: 35 minutes cardio on Elliptical Trainer in the morning and we returned that evening for 60 minutes of Group Power (weight lifting baby!)
Day Three: 45 minutes cardio on Elliptical Trainer in the morning and we returned (again) that evening for 60 minutes of Pilates class (that was a humbling experience let me tell ya!)
Day Four (aka Today): 60 minutes of Group Ride (spinning class) followed by a cold shower and a circuit of Steam Room, cold shower, Sauna, and back again

I am on vacation tomorrow - literally - but stoked to be kicking butt and taking names and back in business!

What I have learned in the past 4 days:
1. It's a compliment when a fitness trainer (who's also a parent of children @ our school) stops her car while she's driving by you in the parking lot, rolls down her window, and asks, "Weren't you here earlier today?"
2. Your body can actually push itself more than you think it can.
3. Steam rooms are AMAZINGLY good for your skin/pores - my skin feels super soft and has a healthy glow!
4. Sweating is not disgusting - it is a badge of honor.
5. Just do it.
6. It's ok to ask for help from the fitness instructors and trainers - that is what they are there for.
7. It helps me stay accountable when I know my friend is coming to pick me up in the morning to go work-out. (I am the afternoon "pick-up").
8. Somehow the jumbo muffin or 1/2 gallon of Tillamook ice cream that I'm craving tastes that much better because I stop and ask myself, "Is this worth what you just spent 60 minutes doing at the gym?"
9. It's normal to have sore muscles at first.
10. I sleep more soundly and deeply when I exercise regularly.

I hope this encourages all of you to get out there and move! Happy summer!

Back to Blogging

2009-06-25T17:51:00.000-07:00

I'm back to blogging! It's been about 2 months and I have been keeping super busy with work and life in general. But now I am on summer vacation and loving the time at home. It is a blessing to be able to sleep-in, stay up late, clean my house (I'm talking "deep cleaning" here...well...and regular cleaning too if I'm honest!), run errands, hang out with friends, go to the gym, and read books. I had so much fun creating a summer book list from Oprah's past book club "reads". Fun to check-out 11 fiction books...amazing how heavy 11 books can be - and quite a balancing act...especially when you are waiting for super slow people who are in line ahead of you. (Patience anyone?)

I've started writing in my journal again and taking time to just "be". Brian has had football camp this week so I have been "solo". I tend to be very much of an extrovert but it's been nice to work on the "introverted" part of me (I think it's there). A journey in self-discovery (that sounded super "self-help", didn't it!?).

I'm so glad to be back in the blogging groove. Nothing super deep to share or write about tonight but my thoughts are swirling around in there. I am confident that I'll have something significant to write about in the near future.

Stay tuned.

To Honor Grandma Dot

2009-04-21T22:08:00.001-07:00

Today would have been my Grandma Dot's 92nd birthday. April 21st. She died on December 13, 2008, and this coming weekend our family will be having a celebration of life in remembrance of her. We loved her so much and miss her but know that she is in Heaven now, free from pain or sickness...totally healed. Here is her obituary.

Doris Butler

Teacher, active community member

Longtime Claremont resident Doris (Leinau) Butler died on December 13, 2008 at Mt. San Antonio Gardens after a long battle with cancer. Among other positive changes she inspired in town, Ms. Butler, age 91, will leave a legacy in the form of a deep swimming pool at El Roble Intermediate School. When plans for a shallow pool were drafted, she, along with another active community member, campaigned for inclusion of a deep end for diving. In the end, she and her comrade “conquered,” said her son, Sheldon “Shelly” Butler.

Ms. Butler was born on April 21, 1917 in Pasadena, the middle child of 7 children. While still young, she moved with her family to Riverside where her father, Roberts Leinau, was a chemist at the Riverside Cement Plant. She grew up at their family home on Pachappa Mountain where she often spoke of getting books off the shelves in their study to find tarantulas living on the shelves behind the books.

After attending elementary school in Riverside, Ms. Butler went to Marlborough Boarding School in Los Angeles. Following high school, she attended Scripps College from where she graduated in 1939.

It was during her college years that Ms. Butler found her true love and lifelong partner, Stan Butler, while on a cruise ship returning from Peru. During his studies at the University of Southern California, Mr. Butler spent his weekends traveling by the Red Car, an old trolley car that made its way from Los Angeles to Claremont, to visit Ms. Butler at Scripps. The couple married shortly after college at Ms. Butler’s family home on Pachappa Mountain and remained married for 60 years until 1999 when Mr. Butler died.

“Our mom touched a lot of people, as my dad did. A lot of people liked my dad here, and my mom was one of the same type of people,” said their son, Shelly Butler.
After college, Ms. Butler and her husband found their way back to Claremont where they purchased their house on Dartmouth Avenue. Here, they raised their 3 boys—Curt, Shelly and Tom. Mr. Butler was the building inspector in Claremont for 32 years while Ms. Butler was a very active mom with PTA, Cub Scouts, etc.

In 1986, after 42 years in their Dartmouth Avenue home, the Butlers moved to Mt. San Antonio Gardens. According to family, Ms. Butler really enjoyed living at the Gardens, as many of her longtime friends and coworkers also lived there.

When her youngest son, Tom, was in fourth grade, Ms. Butler decided to go back to school and earn a teaching credential and master’s degree from Claremont Graduate School (now University). She taught fourth grade, spending most of her time at Mountain View Elementary. The family reports that she always jokingly said she liked teaching the fourth grade because she could still do the math. She was a very dedicated teacher and truly enjoyed her work, shared her family. She would always arrive at work early and not leave until her husband picked her up at the end of the day at about 5 p.m.

When Ms. Butler got home from work, she would “do what every good mother would do,” shared her children: “throw something on the table for dinner, listen to our daily happenings, wash the dishes and then go to her desk and start working on the next day’s lesson plan.” She was constantly coming up with something new for her bulletin boards and the students always had something new to enjoy.

Mr. Butler was active in numerous organizations including the Assistance League, Daughters of the American Revolution, the Mayflower Foundation, PEO, Scripps Alumni, Crippled Children’s Services (now Ability First) and others. Her dedicated community involvement included the quest to shift thinking from shallow to deep in regards to the El Roble pool. It was Ms. Butler and active community member Betty Shine that crusaded for a pool deep enough for diving—after all, her son Shelly was a diver.

Ms. Butler and her husband enjoyed traveling and were members of the Galileo Society. She liked writing and was particularly good at poetry. She also found enjoyment in reading, especially the Claremont COURIER, according to her family.

“Dot (our mom) was truly loved and will be sorely missed by those whose lives she touched,” her family wrote in a remembrance. “She will be remembered as a kind, loving and caring human being who strove to make the world a better place.”

Ms. Butler is survived by her sons and daughters-in-laws, Curtis and Margaret Butler of Boulder, Colorado, Sheldon “Shelly” and Virginia Butler of El Segundo and Thomas and Joane Butler of Eugene, Oregon; and by her grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
A private family memorial service will be held off the California coast. Memorial contributions may be made in Ms. Butler’s name to the City of Hope National Medical Center, 1500 E. Duarte Rd., Duarte, CA 91010; or to Ability First, 480 S. Indian Hill Blvd., Claremont, CA 91711.

“And, yes, for those of you who knew her well, she will be laid to rest with her purse,” shared the family.

And a Little Child Will Lead Them

2009-04-12T16:00:00.000-07:00

Last night Brian, his mom, my mom, and I attended our church's Easter Service at 6:30 p.m. The theme was "HE IS ALIVE!" Jesus Christ is ALIVE! He has risen! Eternal life is available right now to those who believe and accept Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior. The service and message was so powerful. I loved all of the praise and worship - there was so much energy and excitement. When we opened our eyes after our associate pastor prayed the adult choir was joined by a choir of children. Then one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed happened.

We have a large Cross up on the right-hand side of the stage. At the Cross are nails, white ribbons, and a hammer to nail your name on the Cross when you make the decision to follow Jesus Christ and allow Him to reign in your life. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a mother whispering to her elementary-aged son. All of a sudden, during the worship song, this little boy and his mother walked up to the Cross and he nailed a ribbon to the Cross. The congregation clapped for him in celebration and rejoicing. A few minutes later, another child came up with their parent. Then another. And another. A mother and father with their children. Siblings. Child after child came up. There must have been about 8-10! I don't have the exact number but it was incredible. After every child pounded the nail through their white ribbon and put it on the Cross the congregation clapped. I cried. It was so amazing and beautiful. Jesus Christ IS ALIVE. Today. He is touching the lives of these young children and God the Father and His angels in Heaven are rejoicing.

The courage of the first little boy to obey the Holy Spirit's call mixed with the choir of children singing and praising God together may have been that first step to prompt other children to follow. Isaiah 11:6, "...and a little child will lead them."

May we have the courage to follow God's call and may we love on and minister to the children that God has placed in our lives. Thank you God that you saved us and that you loved us so much that Your Son Jesus Christ died for our sins and redeemed us.

San Francisco Style

2009-04-12T11:58:00.000-07:00

We had the best time in San Francisco this Spring Break. We walked everywhere, ate amazing food, and explored the city together. They say that a picture is worth a thousand words. Well I took a lot of photos. So I guess the following photos signify very high 'WORD COUNT'. :-)

Big Red...Golden Gate Bridge

Golden Gate Bridge through wildflowers

Brian

Dim Sum

Golden Gate Bridge from Alcatraz

San Francisco view from Alcatraz

Entrance to Chinatown (just 2-3 blocks from our hotel)

Brian in Chinatown...market time!

Tulip Festival

2009-04-12T11:37:00.000-07:00

This weekend my mom and I went to the Tulip Festival. It was so much fun to be together for some long overdue "mother-daughter time". I got a little lost driving back home and my mom made the comment, "I've noticed that you're not as worried about where you are going as long as you are moving forward." Well...aint' that the truth. Without meaning to (or maybe in her motherly wisdom) she summed up my overall approach to life. Good thing she suggested I fill up my almost-out-of-gas car before we started on our adventure. Moms. I sure love that woman!

Getting Healthy

2009-04-05T09:03:00.000-07:00

It's never too late to focus on getting healthy. I am so excited to share that my friend Tiffany and I have started being accountability partners in our journey toward a healthy lifestyle. She bought us cool little notebooks that are divided into three sections: Goals, Exercise Log, and Food Journal. We both love quotes and so she hand wrote appropriate quotes to go with each theme! Very inspiring.

Every Sunday she and I set time aside to review our goals and progress from the week. Ok - last week was our first week so it was the "kick-off" but today I am so excited to meet with her to celebrate our successes from this week. Together she and I have done 3 spinning classes and 1 "Group Power" class this week (group weightlifting and ab work-out). We literally have sweat together...and it's not a pretty sight let me tell ya. But we've also laughed together and had time to talk and de-stress from the work day. I am having so much fun!

I feel better because I'm eating healthier foods including fresh fruits and vegetables, less bread, lean protein, and taking a multivitamin every day. I also try to drink at least 8-10 glasses of water (8 oz.) per day to stay hydrated. I've been packing my school lunches the night before which allows me to have time to make a green salad or chop veggies up. This is instead of waking up late and throwing (literally) random things in both of our lunches. In the past I used to "make lunches" in the morning without wearing my contacts or glasses because I still wanting to be sleeping so badly that I somehow thought I could still "be sleeping" (sort of) even though I was "up". Bad rationale. Funny but not based in reality.

Sure I have a "weight loss goal"...which is happening so far (yes!) but I also have the primary goal of living a healthier lifestyle. Eating healthy foods, getting enough sleep at night (which means going to bed earlier so I can wake up earlier), drinking lots of water, taking a daily multivitamin, exercising (cardio, weights, and trying new activities), and the process of setting goals and reaching them. Plus I am so excited to share this with my awesome friend Tiffany! I know that this experience will only strengthen our friendship along the way.

Here's to "Getting Healthy!" Cheers!

Spring Break

2009-03-21T08:54:00.000-07:00

The sun is shining. The birds are singing. Wow...that almost sounds like the "zippity-do-da" song that plays on the Splash Mountain Ride at Disneyland! Well that is probably because I feel more "zippity" than I have felt in awhile. I am so thankful for Spring Break. Brian and I are flying to San Francisco tomorrow and we are so excited! Yesterday I washed several loads of laundry and today we are running errands and packing for our trip. The only thing that doesn't "excite" me is that Brian and I are leaving tomorrow at 3:30 a.m. for the airport. I haven't yet come to terms with the fact that this means I am getting UP at 2:30 a.m. That looks even more unappealing when I write it.

Oh well! This is definitely one of those times that the destination is worth the temporary inconvenience (and likely irritability - totally not a morning person here!). Which brings me back to how much Brian and I have been looking forward to this trip.

You see...we had scheduled this trip for last summer in August but had to cancel it. Yesterday I booked our tickets for Alcatraz. We have researched some restaurants that sound amazing - from Dim Sum in Chinatown to seafood to Italian to French. We are going to be staying downtown at Union Square in the heart of San Francisco. We aren't even renting a car which I think is awesome...we don't have to hassle with parking, gas money, car rental/return. I like the idea of taking public transportation and walking everywhere because it is healthier, better for the environment, and gives the opportunity to meet "locals". We didn't rent a car when we traveled to Boston and it was so nice! (plus I had to keep walking to make-up for all the delicious and decadent food we were eating - try lobster in bisque cream sauce - we went to a wedding!)

Brian and I are looking forward to time to be together, get away from stress of daily work/life, and see new things. I haven't been to San Francisco since I was 7 years old when I went on a road trip with my family. Brian went about 3 years ago for a work conference. He had such a wonderful time! While he was in SF he called me from cable cars, the wharf, restaurants...I loved his desire to share his experiences with me "in the moment" and loved how much he wanted me to be there with him. Now WE will make our own memories there and he can be a "tour guide" which he loves to do. I know he will love anything that has to do with history or food and it's my goal to add art, culture, and animals (like the aquarium).

I will be sure to add photos when we get back. :-) San Francisco, here we come!

Maui Memories

2009-02-22T12:10:00.000-08:00

I thought it would be fun to share some photos from our trip to Maui in July 2007...especially on this gray, misty afternoon outside my house. Enjoy!

Change of Plans

2009-02-21T10:36:00.000-08:00

Have you ever made plans only to have every one of them fall through, cancel, or reschedule? This morning has been "one of those" mornings. Not in a bad way just in having to adjust and readjust our plans.

Last night we received a call from Best Buy delivery center regarding our Saturday delivery of our new washer and dryer. We received our "delivery window". You know, the "window" of time that seems like an eternity because you don't quite know when they are going to show up. If the "window" is 1-3 p.m. will they arrive at 12:42 p.m. and "what if I'm not at home?!". It can feel a little paralyzing - like, can I actually accomplish anything - should I even use the restroom - what if I miss the doorbell, the knock?

Well...our delivery window was to be 11 a.m.-1 p.m. Brian was going to be home to meet and greet the Best Buy guys. He had plans to meet up for breakfast @ 9 a.m. with his fellow track and field coaches to plan for the upcoming season with the goal of being back at home @ 10:45 a.m. I wasn't part of the equation because I had plans to "play make-up" and be "Mary Kay lady" with 2 of my girlfriends from work from 10 a.m. on.

"Ring, ring!" The phone rang at 8 a.m. this morning. It was Best Buy and they shared their great news - "You have a new window -- it's 9 a.m.-11 a.m.!" Brian used his best assertiveness skills to convey his frustration and need to change plans because of their new "window". I like how he even tried to use his power of persuasion to have me reschedule with my make-up loving friends...but I stood firm. So, he called his friend in time before his buddy made it to the restaurant.

Oops...he forgot to call one of the track coaches who was sitting alone at the restaurant with a cup of coffee..."Where are you guys?" A quick cell phone call @ 9:05 a.m. and begged his friend's forgiveness. 9:20 a.m. and another call - this time for me. My girlfriend called to say our other girlfriend was super sick "Can we reschedule?" That was ok but I was actually looking forward to it because it's been awhile since I have done anything with my Mary Kay business (in terms of "parties" or facials).

9:30 a.m. - our doorbell rings - "They're here!" (I'm glad I had been able to jump in the shower and get dressed in time before they arrived). At 9:35 a.m. Brian turns to me and asks, "Do you have any cash on you?" (to give each delivery guy a tip). Let me just say that for me to regularly "have cash" is not a good idea. I sort of have a strong passion for vanilla latte's and shopping. I did have $2 in ones but that seemed a little cheap ("Don't spend it all in one place!" kindofthing). Never fear, I went to our local Safeway Starbucks (without make-up!), bought the vanilla latte for me and black coffee for Brian, got proper cash for tipping, and might have gently sped home just a little before the Best Buy guys left.

After our new washer and dryer was installed and doing the "test cycle" we paused for a moment to reflect how there are some days you make plans and they don't turn out exactly how you envision. And that's ok...there must be a reason for it. More time to be at home. More time to slow down. Time to just be and time to see what the rest of the day holds.

God is Here

2009-02-19T22:17:00.000-08:00

Our amazing, dear pastor continues to recover from his serious, near-death illness. He is now at home with his family but was in various hospitals for 77 days. He recently started his own blog which I enjoy reading (his blog entries as well as the comments/posts from readers like me - www.salemalliance.org ). His story is incredible and he has a long road ahead - of healing, recovery, and life changes.

His blog post for tonight includes a quote that he received in a letter from a family friend - it is a prayer.

“God, give me a heart of gratitude for what was, a heart of acceptance for what is and a heart of anticipation for what is to come.”

God is HERE.
God knows exactly what I needed to HEAR.

Fireproof Your Marriage

2009-02-19T21:32:00.000-08:00

Recently we have heard of many of our friends who are separating or even moving toward divorce. It makes both of us sad for them - especially when we are both friends with both the husband and the wife. Our heart breaks for their various situations and the pain they are experiencing.

In August 1998 we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary and 13 years of knowing each other. Brian bought me an amazing anniversary band that fits beautifully with my wedding/engagement bands. We even had the band engraved with 8-8-98 "I love you". We had never engraved anything 10 years ago and it meant a lot to do so. For Brian we redesigned his wedding band. It is an yellow and white gold simple band and we added 3 diamonds to his band. He was nervous about the "bling" at first but it was special because the diamonds were taken out of a diamond ring that his dad left Brian after his dad passed away. His ring turned out great and, truth be told, I think he loves his "boy bling".

All that to say, our marriage has not always been "easy" or "perfect". In fact we have gone through many difficult and painful struggles - death/grief and loss, health/medical issues, job changes, graduate school, infertility, moves, stress, depression, etc. We are not unique in having trials and tribulations - everyone does. However, it is what we do with the pain, the struggles, the mistakes, the hurt, that is the key. We can turn to God for comfort, direction, and power to overcome. We can dare to be honest with God, ourselves, and each other as well as accountable to mentors who can provide us with fresh perspective. These mentors can encourage us in our marriages - especially if they are further along in their marriages than we are.

Our church has a new class for married couples called "Fireproof Your Marriage" based on the movie "Fireproof: Never Leave Your Partner Behind". We weren't able to take the initial class/Bible study because of previous commitments but we are planning on taking it when we can. I would encourage everyone who is interested to check out www.fireproofmymarriage.com for more information.

If you are struggling in your marriage remember that God loves you. He loves you and He loves marriage. Marriage is a sacred covenant relationship. God can handle struggles with may be facing and the doubts we may have. God has something amazing planned for your life. Don't give up. And don't leave your partner behind.

Valentine's Day Weekend

2009-02-16T22:28:00.000-08:00

What's the recipe for an amazing Valentine's Day Weekend?

1. Overnight stay @ Gleneden Beach resort

2. Delicious seafood dinner @ TidalRaves Restaurant (Brian - Halibut fish/chips; Beth - Tiger Prawns with Cajun Cream Sauce & Penne Pasta)

3. Relaxing in the hot tub under the starry sky - cold enough to see our breath but hot enough to jump in the pool after a bit (well 120 degrees gets a little warm - 85 degrees pales in comparison!)

4. Falling asleep while attempting to watch "Roman Holiday" with Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck (in black and white) - a classic and so romantic!

5. Sleeping in until 9 a.m.!

6. Going for a walk on the beach - sunny, clear skies with crisp, cold Winter air - invigorating

7. Eating a heart-shaped Valentine's Day Sugar Cookie from Great Harvest - for breakfast

8. Checking-out 1 minute before NOON with a 12 p.m. check-out (living on the edge I tell ya!)

9. Buying 2 bottles of wine @ a boutique called "Wine & Romance" plus 1 Moonstruck chocolate truffle just to be "one of the first, 12 customers who spend $30" simply to get a "free" long-stemmed red rose (it was Valentine's Day!)

10. Window-shopping turned actual shopping @ the factory outlets - there was a really, really good deal on Coach handbags @ the Coach Factory store

11. Setting off alarms in every subsequent store we visited and having the employees in those respective stores say "Oh, it's your Coach bag."

12. "Whale-watching" in Depoe Bay (I truly believed the whales were done swimming in Mexico and back in the States - they aren't!) Check back for the official "Whale-Watching Week (whale watching is spoken here or something like that)" at the end of March.

13. Buying very unhealthy but incredibly scrumptious "Chicago-style" popcorn (a mixture of Caramel-Peanut Popcorn and White Chedder Popcorn) - yumm-o!

14. Hearing our stomachs growl and feeling super hungry after eating sugar all day and telling ourselves, "Hold out for the all-you-can-eat buffet dinner @ Spirit Mountain"

15. Waiting in line for ONE HOUR @ Spirit Mountain while pretending we were waiting to go on a ride @ Disneyland (I know - bizarre psychological trick but I think it honestly helped the time pass)

16. Confident that the wait was totally worth it for our amazing dinner = Sushi, Indian Fry Bread, Pizza, Salad, variety of desserts (you know you have a problem when the ice cream server asks you, "What, no more ice cream?" "There's your sign...that you might have made one too many trips through the dessert line!"), and so many more delicious food selections that sound disgusting when listed together. They say the first step is admitting I have a problem! :-)

17. Trying our luck @ the slot machines...No luck. Lost money. Don't want to talk about it.

18. Spent most of car ride home trying to talk Brian into "acceptance" about losing the money.

19. Counseling session with Brian was not successful.

20. Home to fall asleep in our own bed.

Combine ingredients 1-20 together and stir with love and lots of laughs!

Makes ONE happy marriage and TWO smiling people :-)

Moving from Fear to Faith - Again and Again (and Again)...

2009-02-12T18:16:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's almost been 1 month since I last "blogged". That is way too long to go without writing! The interesting thing is that even though I haven't "blogged", I have been writing lots of blog posts in my mind. I just need to take the time to write my thoughts down.

I have been going through a lot in the past month. Dealing with many intense emotions - grief/loss, anger, pain, sadness. You know, all the feelings that aren't easy to talk about let alone type out on my blog. Yet, in the midst of all the painful emotions and the rawness I feel..the vulnerability of being honest is truly therapeutic. It is amazing to see how it is in these difficult times that I have to dig really deep to "find the joy in the journey - in my journey". And to recognize that God is still creating and writing my journey every day. Thank God that He is at work even when I can't see Him or feel His presence. I am still CONFIDENT and believe, in faith, that He is still there, at work in the darkness, in the pain, in the brokenness. And He wants to heal ME and comfort ME and love ME. God wants to take ME to a new place, a HIGHER place, a restored and healed place in my life and in my heart.

I have really appreciated my church's focus on "Moving from Fear to Faith - Again and Again". (and again and again and again.......) Some days I am so fearful. I doubt the simplest of things and somehow forget God's power and abundant promises. Other days are full of faith, hope, and promise - new beginnings and so much to look forward to. Fear to faith. Over and over again. I've even experienced days (and sometimes hour to hour) when fear and doubt creep in and faith seems a million miles away.

I am so thankful that God loves ME in spite of my fears, doubts, and weakness. God desires ME and all of us to come to HIM just as I am. He loves ME so much that He calls ME to relationship with HIM. For apart from Him, the True Vine, I can do nothing (John 15).

I hope that you will join me in allowing God to move YOU from Fear to Faith....over and over again. He has the POWER to DO IT if we will only let HIM.

Great Harvest...

2009-01-17T15:41:00.000-08:00

Well...we stopped by our local Great Harvest Bread to pick-up our yummy free large cookies and free black coffee thinking it was their anniversary celebration. We were...WRONG! It's this coming Friday 1/23/09. Needless to say, although we were appreciative of the free slice of bread it wasn't that delicious large oatmeal chocolate chip cookie that I'd be craving and hoping to eat. We didn't break down and buy one of those yummy cookies. So - maybe I'll just need to go shopping and get some chocolate chips to make my own homemade cookies.

Sunny Days

2009-01-17T13:07:00.000-08:00

A little sunshine goes a LONG way for me. It lifts my mood and makes me excited about Spring and Summer weather and activities. I have had a wonderful day so far. (and it's only 1:10 p.m.)..

1. Slept-in (I love sleeping!)
2. Healthy breakfast of Shredded Wheat Squares, nonfat milk, blueberries, and sliced bananas (plus black coffee with fat-free vanilla caramel creamer)
3. Worked-out at the gym (1 hour of cardio: 30 minutes on the Elliptical Trainer and 30 minutes on the treadmill with a little jogging/running)
4. Bought a Starbucks Sugar-Free Nonfat Vanilla Latte (yum!)
5. Watching Giada's Weekend Getaways (great show - this episode is in Bermuda with glimpses of turquoise and sapphire blue water and cool restaurants)
6. Reading February Real Simple magazine (www.realsimple.com)

Things on the immediate horizon - get ready for the day, church service, salmon with sliced lemon & lemon olive oil/brown rice/green salad/zucchini for dinner, hanging out with Brian, cleaning, and a couple of errands. Did I mention it's sunny outside?? :-) Happy day. And Brian just reminded me that Great Harvest Bread (locally) is giving out free coffee and their large cookies today.

I hope your day is sunny where you live. May you find the little things in the life joyful even if they are chores or not your favorite tasks. Focus on the positive and enjoy "sunny days".

Frugal Girls Blog

2009-01-15T22:07:00.000-08:00

I want to share a wonderful, money-saving new blog with you. My good friend (and college roommate) Heidi recently starting a blog called Frugal Girls. It offers links to various stores/restaurants/products/companies such as Starbucks, Shutterfly, Disneyland, and Red Robin (just to name a few). Plus what she refers to as her "Screaming Deals of the Week" accompanied by a photo. I love it! I don't know about you, but it is so much fun to go grocery shopping and see how much money you can save by using coupons and discounts (I saved $44 at Safeway last week!). I have gone back to "coupon clipping" every week and have no regrets. Sometimes I have empathy for the fore lorn-looking customer behind me at the supermarket check-out line....but...I don't feel too badly because saving money is AWESOME! Here's the Frugal girl website www.frugalgirls.blogspot.com .

I hope you find her blog as helpful and fun as I have so far!

Welcome to 2009!

2009-01-15T21:46:00.000-08:00

It's been so long since I have written. The amazing thing is that I have been thinking about "what to blog" for a long time. One easy way to remedy my "writers block" is to make a list of the topics I plan on writing about in the future - a "blog 'to-do' list":

1. My Resolutions = resolute commitment to make changes
2. Focusing on TRUTH vs. living in the "land of 'What If?'"
3. Moving from Fear to Faith
4. Traveling & other journeys (where I've been and where I want to visit)
5. Art
6. Poetry/Writing/Journaling

I think that is a good start! I'm excited about a brand new year. I am looking forward to seeing what God has in store for me in 2009.

Learning to walk by FAITH and not by sight,
Beth

Baby It's Cold Outside (and Inside!)

2008-12-22T10:20:00.000-08:00

I am now sitting inside a Starbucks with my husband: listening to music, drinking a Grande Sugarfree Nonfat Vanilla Latte, eating a healthy Great Harvest Cranberry Muffin, and updating my blog. Good times! Quite a contrast to things at home - where it's about 57 degrees, cold, no power which means no heat or electricity. The lights flickered once or twice and then...the power went out around 4:45 p.m. yesterday.

At first it was a novelty...like indoor camping. We lit every candle we own (25 or so!) which I love because it added a romantic quality. Then we ate fresh-baked blueberry scones and buttermilk biscuits that came out of the oven around 3:40 p.m. - just in time before we lost power! And I ate some cold leftover pot roast with a glass of red wine to warm things up. Delicious even cold!

As the light of day began to fade away, we decided to play board games by candlelight. We played Scrabble, Monopoly, Trivial Pursuit Millennium Edition, and Trivial Pursuit 90's Edition. My husband is super competitive and "won" Scrabble (only by 40 points) and both Trivial Pursuits. I totally took him to the poor house in Monopoly, showing him grace many, many times but allowing him to visit my many properties "rent-free" and even waived some of the frequent visits his little Monopoly car made to my 4-house Illinois Avenue. Needless to say I LOVED that Monopoly game. Did I mention that I landed on "FREE PARKING" 2-3 times?? I loved playing Trivial Pursuit but tend to do much better with the 90's Edition or Pop Culture versions. I can answer questions from "E-television", "People" magazine, or Entertainment Tonight like nobody's business! But give me questions about history, world events, and sports and it's sad - my history teaching husband even asked "What did you learn in school? What did they teach you?" All my lack of knowledge is a gentle encouragement to borrow his American History book (used to teach high schoolers) - perhaps a little Summer project?

I am not sure when our power will return but it sure is a winter wonderland and I'm trying to enjoy the moment and remain positive and thankful for the countless hours of quality time that my husband and I are spending together.

If I don't blog again before Christmas, I wish you all a very Merry Christmas! May you experience the true gift of Jesus Christ and embrace all that His birth truly means.

"Weather" or Not...

2008-12-16T23:15:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow will mark my 3rd day off work because of the weather. Snow. Beautiful, cold, white snow! My husband and I both have been off work due to the snow days so we have used the time to be super productive. We have accomplished so much that I decided to make a list of all the places we have been in the past 2 "week days":

1. 2 Banks
2. Post office - twice!
3. Fred Meyer
4. WalMart
5. Safeway
6. Starbucks -three times (we went 2x in one day!)
7. Great Harvest Bread
8. Hair appointment
9. Doctor's appointment
10. Target
11. Macy's
12. Nordstroms
13. Made in Oregon
14. AT&T Store
15. The gym (husband - I didn't quite make it!)

The crazy thing is that we might have made a few other stops but I can't remember anymore! In addition "oh the places (we went)", I made homemade sugar cookies and iced them with fun, bright colors (Wedgewood Blue, Teal, Purple, Hot Pink, and Kelly Green). Watched several movies. Shipped all our Christmas presents and/or gift cards. Mailed all our Christmas cards. Taken a long walk when the snow first began to fall on Sunday night (loved the powder!). Slept-in and stayed-up way too late! And have had a great time hanging out with my husband.

Even though we are keeping busy (and overly productive I might add), it's amazing how snow and wintry weather can force me to really enjoy errands and trying to let go of the things I can't control (i.e. work tasks that aren't getting accomplished) "weather" or not I approve. :-)

In Memory of Grandma Dot

2008-12-14T16:40:00.000-08:00

Yesterday evening I received a call from my mom telling me that Grandma Dot, my dad's mom, passed away at 4:30 p.m. yesterday. She had been sick with cancer for some time and lived a long and rich life of 92 years. My youngest brother was the last person to be with Grandma Dot. He read her the Christmas story out of the Bible around 3 p.m. and she died only 1 1/2 hours later. I am sad that I wasn't able to say "goodbye" in the last few moments of her life but it was difficult since she lived in another state. We are so blessed that she had a personal relationship with the Lord and was a Christian. Although we will miss her terribly we believe she is in Heaven and is completely healed of the cancer. Now she is in Heaven with my Grandpa Stan, who proceeded her in death in 1999 due to complications from Alzheimers. No more pain. No more suffering. In the presence of the true gift of Christmas, Jesus Christ.

Special Memories of Grandma Dot

1. A love of butterflies.

2. Wrote poetry and was a faithful writer - stayed in touch with letters and cards.

3. Bright red lipstick.

4. Full of life and spunk.

5. Loved to travel.

6. Proud of her family.

7. Was an elementary school teacher.

8. Never learned how to drive a car - Grandpa Stan always drove her around.

9. Quintessentially a Californian girl.

10. Graber's Olives and Smoked & Roasted Almonds

11. Knew everyone and is unforgettable.

12. Loved hummingbirds and potted brightly colored flowers.

13. Loved to dance!

14. Believed in the value of hard work.

15. Ice-cream "Snowballs" for Christmas lit with candles.

16. Playing songs on her organ.

Grandma Dot - she was a very special woman who is now in a very special place.

HOPE

2008-12-11T17:01:00.000-08:00

My classroom guidance focus for this month's lessons is HOPE. The holidays can be an amazing time of year for many but it can also be a difficult time. I felt it was appropriate to talk with students about HOPE and who or what gives them hope.

I started by defining the word HOPE. Merriam-Webster defines hope as "to cherish a desire with anticipation; to desire with expectation of attainment; and to expect with confidence". The one that stands out the most to me is "to expect with confidence". I have also heard HOPE defined as "the memory of past love." Hope involves belief, faith, and trust. Although I have to be careful with sharing my personal beliefs in my occupation, I am confident sharing with you that my faith and hope is in God and His Son, Jesus Christ.

I cannot imagine what life would be like apart from having a relationship with the Lord. How could I experience life and its' trials, pain, and blessings apart from God? How would I understand that every moment in this life is rich with meaning and connected to God revealing Himself to each of us in personal and unique ways? To be honest I think that life would feel hopeless, depressing, and unfair. I wouldn't know what to do or how to handle it.

I admit that I still question and wrestle with my faith and this thing called HOPE as a Christian. I still ask "Why, Lord, why?" and I continue to see answers and pray for understanding. The truth is that all I can do is focus on trusting God in the moment and taking one step at a time. This is why I chose to call my blog "FINDING JOY IN THE JOURNEY". You see, I choose to find JOY when life feels overwhelming or I feel discouraged. I choose to seek GOD instead of giving up or allowing anger to consume me. I choose to seek TRUTH when my thoughts turn to doubt and despair. I choose to pray for FAITH when I am hurting. I choose to be HOPEFUL when I don't know if my prayers will be answered when and how I desire. I continue to learn on a daily basis what it means to trust in uncertainty. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." (Proverbs 3:5)

I love the story of Mary in Luke 1 when the angel comes to her and tells her she will be with child and give birth to Jesus Christ which is an amazing miracle in itself since she was a virgin. I also love what happens when Mary visits Elizabeth and then Mary sings what I imagine to be a beautiful song (see below).

At that time Mary got ready and hurried to a town in the hill country of Judea, where she entered Zechariah's home and greeted Elizabeth. When Elizabeth heard Mary's greeting, the baby leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit. In a loud voice she exclaimed: "Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the child you will bear! But why am I so favored, that the mother of my Lord should come to me? As soon as the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy. Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!"

Mary's Song
And Mary said: "My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. From now on all generations will call me blessed, for the Mighty One has done great things for me— holy is his name. His mercy extends to those who fear him, from generation to generation. He has performed mighty deeds with his arm; he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts. He has brought down rulers from their thrones but has lifted up the humble. He has filled the hungry with good things but has sent the rich away empty. He has helped his servant Israel, remembering to be merciful to Abraham and his descendants forever, even as he said to our fathers." (Luke 1: 39-55 NIV)

My prayer today is that I may "be blessed [as] she who has believed that what the Lord has said to [me] will be accomplished!" My prayer for you is that you would HOPE in the Lord.

Rolls, Potatoes, Mini-Marshmellows, Gift Cards, and More

2008-11-25T21:18:00.000-08:00

At my work I help coordinate an annual Thanksgiving Food Basket food drive. It is a significant project that requires organization, planning, advertising, lifting (boxes), shopping, coordinating with colleagues, sorting, folding boxes and taping them, and begging for money (yes - that is true too - turns out I'm really good at "fundraising").

This year my school was able to provide 35 complete Thanksgiving Food Baskets for 35 school families. Included in these boxes were the following items: rolls, potatoes, Instant mashed potatoes, Jello, white/brown sugar, canned foods (Pumpkin, yams, green beans, corn, olives, tuna, etc.), and stuffing. In addition to the food boxes one of our business partners donated 20 gift cards in the amount of $25 each to a local grocery store to allow the families to purchase any fresh items and/or a turkey for their meal.

Wanting all 35 families to be able to receive a gift card, I was pleased that 4 more were donated last week, leaving a need for 11 more gift cards. Last night, around 6 p.m. during conferences, I went around to the tables in the staff room (they were just trying to eat dinner) and expressed the need for 11 more gift cards at $20 each (this is where the begging comes into play). And, within a matter of 15 minutes, we raised $220!!! The exact amount I needed to have for the 11 gift cards for the remaining families. It was so cool to be a part of that kind of community and to witness what is possible when caring people come together and unite for a common goal.

The families were so blessed and it was amazing for me to be a part of. As of 7:40 p.m. tonight, all 35 boxes and gift cards have been delivered and/or received. It is a special part of my job that I look forward to every year. Plus it is a really unique way to connect with people on such a personal level. It is humbling for all involved - including me. Or should I say...especially me.

May you have a blessed and special Thanksgiving!

Embracing the Mystery

2008-11-23T17:22:00.000-08:00

God is Jehovah-Shalom - the God of Peace. At church this morning we had a powerful time of worship and prayer. Our beloved senior pastor John is seriously ill in the hospital and we are praying for healing of his body and that he and his family would experience the peace and power of God. The message focused on God as Jehovah-Shalom - the God of Peace. I loved how the pastor turned and seemed to be looking right at me, "Shalom, shalom." It is spoken twice because it signifies a prayer for peace in our external lives and peace inside, in our hearts. The pastor also talked about how we desire to have questions answered and how God loves a mystery. Even though I don't have all the answers to my "why" questions, God asks that I embrace the mystery of the unknown. God desires for me to trust Him and remain firm in faith even when I can't see where my life is headed. And there was the story of how the most beautiful lace in the world is made by people in the darkness where the delicate lace is handled and the workers can see the pattern of the lace illuminated on the walls by the light. I need to trust that God ALONE will be the ONE to illuminate my life and that He is the ONE who is creating my life to be a beautiful tapestry.

The word "Shalom" also means wholeness and complete rest. What an amazing picture of calmness and stillness - of peace. Some days I feel so broken and stressed; the opposite of Shalom. Yet God is the God of Shalom and it is in Christ Alone that I will find what my soul is searching for...wholeness and healing.

I am so thankful that I don't have to live life alone. "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me." Psalm 23:4

"My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge." Colossians 2:2-4.

Embracing the mystery...still working on it, but thanks be to God for loving me.

Perspective

2008-11-15T10:56:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the work week feels especially long and intense. It felt like a "week of Mondays". It was wonderful to sleep in today. My husband tells me that "I've got game" when it comes to sleeping-in. He is right on the money with that expression - I need a lot of sleep to feel rested and less stressed. Something so simple as getting enough rest helps me regain perspective.

It is important to remember the people and things that are truly important in life. To stay focused on what is real, good, pure, and noble. To delight in sleeping-in and hanging out with my husband which is a special blessing because his football coaching season is over. His team made it to the second round of the playoffs (awesome) but lost last night (not so awesome for him but good for us). This afternoon we are going to a college football game. The activity may be the same (football) but we get to sit together and be together. Love it!

Aahhh. Thank God for perspective.

Wise Words

2008-11-09T17:36:00.000-08:00

Two posts in one day! In my first post today I focused on the importance of being still. Guess my stillness didn't last too long but that's okay...I have enough grace to forgive myself. :) I was in the mood for a video or DVD and found...our wedding video from 1998. I think I started crying 4 minutes into watching it. I am an emotional person but you've got to be kidding me...4 minutes in? Crying?

I was crying because I love my husband so much and because our commitment means so much. We made a covenant before God, family, and friends and we continue to choose each other every day. Through sickness and in health. For richer or poorer. In good times and in bad. Until death do we part. We took our vows and we take them again and again on a daily basis because of this love and this covenant before the Lord. And it's amazingly worth it. It's worth every tear and every smile - worth everything we've ever experienced as a couple in the past 10 years (13 years of being together).

I decided to pay close attention to the message by my pastor and took notes because the charge means so much and is so applicable today in our marriage and our lives. He covered three simple points:

1. Keep your eyes on the Prize.
2. Weigh your words.
3. Remain on the Rock.

Keeping our eyes on the Prize means staying focused on Jesus Christ always - despite whatever difficulties come our way (and they have indeed come our way). Jesus is the "author and perfecter of our faith" and we need to fix our eyes on Him and draw strength for our marriage from our growing relationship with Him at the center.

Weighing our words is about saying "I love you" more often than "I don't want to talk about it." or any other negative put downs or unkind words. This area is a challenging one for me as I always value "let's be honest". Well it's one thing to be "honest" and quite another thing to intentionally hurt someone you love because of selfishness or anger. I definitely feel challenged to work on guarding my words and lifting my husband up in esteem and in love.

To remain on the Rock means to have a firm and solid foundation in Jesus Christ. I am blessed that both my husband and I have a relationship with God. The call is to remain on the Rock. To invest in this relationship with God daily and to tend to this foundation so it can continue to be rock solid and strong. We will (and have already) experienced trials, storms, and challenges that try to tear down our marital "house". So many friends and people around me have experienced disintegration of their marriages - because they are not remaining on The Rock of Jesus Christ. The reality is, WE CANNOT DO IT ALONE. In our humanness we will fail every time. We cannot have strong and healthy marriages without help from God. We need Him as our Rock to keep us on solid ground.

I encourage all of us to love our spouses in the midst of the hard times and in the happy times too. The journey may not be an easy one but God will bless each of us as we choose to seek His face by Keeping our eyes on the Prize, Weighing our words, and Remaining on the Rock. Remember...we need God. He will be the source of our strength and help - all we have to do is seek Him and He WILL answer.

Being Still

2008-11-09T16:21:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here in my living room listening to the dishwasher run. Before anyone becomes too worried about my sanity, just think about that (although reading that statement in isolation might cause you to worry - have no fear!). Sitting on the couch. Being still. Looking outside my window and the sun beginning to set. My feet feel cold (I think we are trying to save money by keeping the heat down to a lower temperature). It's okay if my feet feel cold. Sometimes it's simply nice to feel and notice things. To slow down in such a busy world of work, play, news/media, obligations/responsibilities, and just plain "stuff" that can often keep my mind cluttered and my body exhausted. Being still is a good thing. An important thing. In fact I haven't left my house today...yet. I still have to go grocery shopping (requirement/obligation/chore) before the night is over. But for now - taking a nap while listening to the dishwasher complete its' wash cycle sounds pretty good.

"Special Agent Sunshine"

2008-11-05T20:38:00.000-08:00

My husband loves, loves, loves the TV show "West Wing". Right now he is on a "West Wing" kick. "West Wing" is on our "DVR 'shows to record' list" which mean he has about 30 remaining episodes to watch.

After a long day at my job I prefer to watch something a little more lighthearted like "The Office", "Jon & Kate Plus 8", any "chick-flick", "House Hunters", a cooking show, some reality TV. Or reading the comics - that is fun for me.

At this very moment "West Wing" is on the TV and I heard the phrase "Special Agent Sunshine". One of the characters, C.J. Craig, called her newly assigned bodyguard, "Special Agent Sunshine" because she is getting annoyed that he is with her every moment. (In this case his new nickname is not intended to be complimentary).

On the other hand, just think if we all took the time to be intentional with people we encounter and interact with every day then truly we could be "Special Agent Sunshine(s)" to the world. Men and women "on a mission" to spread joy, kindness, Truth, love, compassion, authenticity, and "sunshine" to others. (It is our mission should we choose to accept it.) The challenge is "accepting this mission" in the midst of our own pain, brokenness, and lack of sunny days. When life is hard and we don't feel all "sunny" inside...I find that if I turn to the Lord in prayer and ask for His strength, love, wisdom, grace, joy, and power then I am stronger. And all of this can happen IN SPITE of myself and my brokenness.

In graduate school we read a book called The Wounded Healer by Henri Nouwen. Amazing book. I recommend it to anyone who wants to discover how God can use our lives despite our pain. How we can be "wounded healers" and find joy in this journey called life. Will you join me on this mission and spread a little sunshine?

Names of God

2008-11-02T11:01:00.001-08:00

My church is currently studying the names of God. The focus of today's sermon was "Jehovah-Rophe" or "The Lord Heals". It was a very powerful message.

"If you diligently heed the voice of the Lord your God and do what is right in His sight, give ear to His commandments and keep all His statutes, I will put none of the diseases on you which I have brought on the Egyptians. For I am the Lord who heals you." (Exodus 15:26)

It is amazing to realize and acknowledge that the Lord "heals" us in the present tense. In the NOW. In the midst of all our pain and brokenness; when we need physical, emotional, or spiritual healing - God is right there and all-powerful to heal us. All we have to do is cry out to Jesus and ask for healing.

At the end of the service, we were invited to come to the front and be anointed with oil by a church elder who prayed with us. I heard God's voice calling me forward. So, I went. I walked up that aisle and couldn't hold back my tears. (I would describe my tears as what Oprah Winfrey calls "the ugly cry"). Yet I was (and am not) ashamed of my outpouring of emotions. The church elder poured a little olive oil onto his fingers and made the sign of the Cross on my forehead. Then he prayed with me and for me. I could barely speak my name or share my burden but somehow the words came. I am so glad I went forward to be healed by Jehovah-Rophe, The Lord Heals. I feel at peace and my heart feels lighter inside. It was time for me to put on foot in front of the other, trusting in God to heal me.

My Spiritual Birthday is...Halloween

2008-10-30T18:37:00.001-07:00

Yes - that is correct. It was a cold, dark night on October 31, 1981, when I accepted Jesus as my personal Saviour. I was five years-old. Fortunately I wasn't feeling cold (or dark for that matter) because I was sitting in a church pew with my mom when I went heard the altar call for anyone who wanted to ask Jesus to come into their hearts...I did! I recall that our church was having a "Harvest Party" that Halloween and the pastor had plastic fangs in his mouth (that part was a little scary but the memory has left an "imprint" - I know, I know...totally corny joke!). My mom prayed with me and I became a Christian...that very night. Even though we didn't grow up "celebrating" Halloween by "trick'r'treating" I fondly celebrate every Halloween as my "Spiritual Birthday". This year marks my 27th Spiritual Birthday. "Happy Birthday to me - and to honoring my relationship with God."

Some Things that Make Me Smile

2008-10-28T18:00:00.000-07:00

As you know I love making lists and I am focusing on good ol' fashioned self-care. Here is a list of activities that make me smile:

1. Watching "Divine Design" on HGTV
2. Drinking Mochas with Light Whipped Cream (other fav's: Carmel Macchiato, Vanilla Lattes)
3. Watching "What Not to Wear" on TLC
4. Scrapbooking
5. Making cards
6. Smelling yummy candles
7. Shopping!
8. Taking a nap
9. Going for a walk
10. Staying in-touch with friends and family
11. Chatting on the phone with friends
12. Cooking (helps me to relax)
13. Buying beautiful flowers and displaying them in my home
14. Looking outside my windows at green trees, grass, nature, people walking by with their dogs (dreaming about getting a dog of my own - say a mini-schnauzer, golden retriever...I'm open!)
15. Baking cakes or cookies
16. Reading
17. Listening to music
18. Taking a bath
19. Getting the mail (does anyone else love this as much as I do?)
20. Talking to God (aka Praying)
21. Watching Christmas movies in October
22. Reading the Sunday comics
23. Writing posts for this Blog
24. Taking pictures with my camera
25. Exercising at the gym (always feel better after I am done working out)
26. Time to talk with my husband and "just be"

I could go on and on. It will be fun for me to add to this list and remind myself of these things that make me smile...especially when I am feeling discouraged. I hope my list encourages you to create a list of your own "things that make YOU smile"!

Struggling...

2008-10-27T20:26:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how music can speak to me. Today while I was driving and listening to my local Christian radio station, I heard this song by Barlow Girl and it really touched my heart. I am going through very challenging life struggles right now - in my life and in the lives of those I love. Yet in the midst of it all, I could feel God's presence and protection holding me close.

"I Believe in Love" (by Barlow Girl)

How long will my prayers seem unanswered?
Is there still faith in me to reach the end?
I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

Though I can't see my stories ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
It's only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe
No dark can consume Light
No death greater than this life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say
Even when He is silent

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe.

I especially love the part about acknowledging that, although I don't know the rest of my story, the "dark night" will end eventually. It is only by experiencing and walking through the pain that I will learn to trust "the One who writes my days". I LOVE that part! Recognizing that God is ever-present with me every moment and that I don't need to be afraid. I choose to believe.

Childhood Promise

2008-10-22T22:45:00.000-07:00

For some reason this evening, while I was brushing my teeth, I remembered a special song I was taught when I was a little girl. Maybe you have heard of it, it is called "I'm A Promise". Of course I just had to find the lyrics so I googled the title and found the words...

"I'm A Promise" (William J. Gaither & Gloria Gaither)

I'm a promise, I'm a possibility, I'm a promise with a capital "P"
I'm a promise to be, anything God wants me to be

Chorus:
I am a promise, I am a possibility, I am a promise with a capital "P"
I am a great big bundle of potentiality
And I am learning to hear God's voice, and I am trying to make the right choices
I'm a promise to be, anything God wants me to be

I can go anywhere that He wants me to go, I can be anything that He wants me to be
I can climb the high mountain, I can cross the wide sea, I'm a great big promise, you see

I'll keep on listing to hear God's voice, And I'll keep trying to make the right choices
I'm a promise to be, anything God wants, you're a promise to be, anything God wants
We're a promise to be anything He wants us to be! * (the chorus is repeated through the song although not necessarily noted in this set of lyrics)

It amazes me how quickly I forget this simple truth...that I am God's promise, His child, a possibility full of potential. That God will take me exactly where He wants me to go. It inspires me to hold onto faith and not lose hope that God will lead me over the high mountains in my life and across the seemingly wide expanse of ocean. What hope this gives all of us to know that we are not alone. God is with us; calling us by our names toward Him and revealing the life plans He has designed for us.

For My Friend

2008-10-10T20:40:00.000-07:00

Someone I love dearly lost her father-in-law this week. We know he is in the arms of Jesus now and free from pain. It reminds me of my beloved father-in-law who passed away January 2005. Feeling like he was taken too soon from me, from us, from this Earth. I still remember him - at cold football games, when I am drinking Starbucks, on a walk, or hearing the following song play on the radio:

"Homesick" (by Mercy Me)

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Dear friend and all friends, may we all find comfort in God's promises. We are all longing for our heart's true home.

Happiness Is...

2008-10-05T21:08:00.000-07:00

I love making lists (my friend Tiffany loves lists too) and thought it would be fun to create a list of the things I did on my 32nd birthday today. ENJOY!
1. Slept-in
2. Made a nonfat vanilla latte
3. Ate some of the blueberry pancakes from yesterday (thank you microwave defrost button)
4. Wrapped a baby shower gift for baby shower today
5. Drove to out-of-town baby shower
6. Thought baby shower was in a closer city than it was...oops...a little late to baby shower
7. Baby shower for dear friend - lunch, baby shower games involving 4 different kinds of unknown baby food (I guessed 3 out of the 4 correctly!), adorable little cupcakes for dessert, and presents
8. Met another friend at a fun outdoor-style shopping mall
9. Browsed books at Borders (nice alliteration don't you think?)
10. Met friend at Anthropologie - cool store. Tried on LOTS of beautiful clothes but none were a "love connection". The saleswoman was very sad that I didn't find anything because I had told her today was my birthday...she had serious empathy I think. It made me chuckle inside because her response was very "counselor-ish"
11. Drinks and appetizers (for dinner) at PF Changs. We got there at the end of "Happy Hour" which was perfect!
12. My friend surprised me with a Sweet Pea & Vanilla candle from Anthropologie. She purchased the candle while I was in another part of the store...very stealth of her!
13. Grabbed a nonfat vanilla latte (regular vanilla syrup this time - gotta have a little sugar every now and then!) from Peet's Coffee. My SECOND latte of the day!!!
14. Drove home in the rainy darkness
15. Oh...one more stop to pick up dinner for hungry husband
16. Watching one of my favorite shows "The Amazing Race (13)"

All in all, an awesome birthday!

Simple Joys

2008-10-04T12:17:00.000-07:00

My decision to start a blog was not an easy one. I wanted to make sure to find a balance between having an avenue to write and process my thoughts and feelings with maintaining a sense of privacy and healthy personal boundaries. Knowing that my blog is "out there" for the world to read (literally) but able to enjoy it for myself. Even as I write my "disclaimers" I quickly see that I "think too much"...I love to analyze things. (Good ol' metacognition. )

All that said, I got to thinking that this morning I am grateful for the simple things in life. Such as sleeping in until 10:30 a.m. on Saturday mornings and making a huge mess in the kitchen while I make homemade blueberry pancakes! Being able to watch "What not to Wear" episodes on DVR. Smelling my "Pumpkin Spice" Yankee candles throughout my house. Looking out the window and seeing a sky of gray but choosing to make the most of the day and enjoy the time I don't have to "be" anywhere for anyone today. I feel relaxed..dare I say...happy? I also made the decision to say "no" to a family get-together this evening because saying "no" means that I say "yes" to dedicated quality time with my husband. It also means that it simplifies our weekend and allows him to enjoy the restful time at home that I have enjoyed so far this weekend. I know he will appreciate the gift and value the decision to change our plans for tonight.

Tomorrow is my birthday. That is why I chose to make my first blog entry about 32 things I am proud of. Birthdays have always been a big deal for me. Correction: my birthday has always been very important to me. Not exactly sure why but that's how it is. I'm the type of person that enjoys extending a birthday DAY to a birthday MONTH. National Holiday?? Why not? Before folks start to accuse me of being overly egocentric let me just say that I am just being honest. It's not like I am overly prideful or full of myself...it has more to do with my love of celebrations. I am really into quality time with my husband, friends, and family. That stays the same whether it's my birthday or not. It is just that something extra special when the focus is me. :)

This year is a little different. My husband is a high school football coach and so he has football practice with the players and a coaches' meeting ON MY BIRTHDAY. Am I bitter? Maybe a little bit. It requires me to readjust my expectations and delay my various birthday celebrations. I am working through it...I promise!

So for today I will focus on the simple joys and be thankful in every moment.

Reflections on 32 Years

2008-10-03T22:01:00.000-07:00

32 things that make me feel proud:

1. I am working in the profession I felt called to be in (have known it was my "calling" since 5th grade).
2. My husband and I celebrated our 10th anniversary this year.
3. As a high school freshman I entered only knowing a handful of people and when I graduated I had befriended as many people as I could in those 4 years.
4. I have an amazing ability to remember special little details about people - from their names to random facts about their lives.
5. I understand the value of knowing someone's name and using their names when I talk with them.
6. My faith in God is and always has been an integral part of who I am and who I hope to become.
7. I am very intuitive.
8. I am confident speaking before groups even if I "wing it".
9. I am willing to try new things and not afraid if I don't figure out all the details immediately.
10. I am my football coach husband's biggest fan even when I'm fairly clueless about the rules of the game.
11. I am artistic...I enjoy drawing, scrapbooking, pottery, stamping, and making cards.
12. I have a good sense of humor.
13. I believe baking cookies/cakes is therapeutic.
14. I grew up thinking "Spoon Tacos" was a gourmet meal until my husband made me realize it was glorified nachos. With his encouragement I learned how to cook.
15. I am good at writing poetry.
16. I am an avid reader.
17. I keep the faith even when it's hard to keep believing.
18. I am a strong communicator.
19. I have a sense of adventure.
20. I am authentic and vulnerable.
21. I'm not afraid to sing karaoke even when people should be afraid to hear it.
22. Some of my poetry was published when I was in high school and in college.
23. I contribute to the lives of others on a daily basis.
24. My life matters.
25. I am a daughter, a wife, a sister, an aunt, a friend.
26. I have a decent fashion sense.
27. I have used Mary Kay skincare since I was 9 years old and look younger than my almost 32 years (thanks Mom!).
28. I love dancing...may not have much rhythm but hope to someday.
29. I take the time to stop and smell the flowers.
30. I have always been able to talk to animals - or have a connection with them.
31. I have a knack for foreign languages - French, Japanese, Spanish, and Russian. Not fluently but fairly proficient in French.
32. I may not be a mother (yet) at 32 but am choosing to find joy in the midst of my journey and remain focused on all that I have accomplished in the past 32 years.